It may be a silly anniversary to commemorate, but I'm silly.
In honor of this weird milestone I thought I would share something that I wrote just before I found out I was pregnant. Looking back on the journal entry now I can't help but be reminded of the goodness of God. I'm so thankful for my little girl. And I'm so thankful that he chose me to be her mommy.
Originally written on Feb. 9, 2009
I have wanted to be a mommy since I knew what being a mommy was. Anyone who knows me can attest to that. When I was in kindergarten and the teacher asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up I quickly responded with "I want to be a mommy." {However, I've always felt that conceiving would be difficult for me.} The sight, smell, and feel of an infant are absolutely intoxicating for me. I love to hold their little feet in my hands, to caress their soft wisps of hair, to feel their soft breathing next to my chest. {Tears well up in my eyes just thinking about it. I'm such a sap.} Sometimes when I don't have anything else to do online, I look at photos of nurseries, and baby bedding, or baby clothing. I've had baby fever since the moment Chance and I walked back up that aisle after saying our "I Do's", maybe a little before that if I'm being completely honest here. It comes in spurts, sometimes the longing subsides, other times my mind dances with thoughts of nurseries, bath times and bed times. Many people say that I'm too young, or that Chance and I haven't been married long enough. Those people are the same people that said I was too young to get married and wagered in their minds whether we'd even make it to 6 months. I've always known I would marry young, and I hoped I would shortly there after become a mommy. 18 months have come and gone with not so much as a glimmer of hope. Let me make it clear, Chance and I are not actively "trying" to conceive. I'm aware that, that would be foolish. I know that God will bless us when we are "ready" in his eyes. That being said, Chance and I have done nothing to prevent pregnancy for over 2 years now. According to my doctor this is when we get serious with fertility treatments, if I want to ever have a baby. I'm not sure that I'm on board with all the medicines, ultra sounds and blood work again just yet. {Chance and I VERY briefly tried to conceive in early 2008, but I was exhausted with work, and the 5 ultrasounds a month and taking 6 medicines was just too much for my body.} The doctors say that I have Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome {PCOS}- not sure that I entirely buy into that. I've begun to feel as though that's the new blanket diagnosis when the doctors don't really have and answer for why a twenty something, perfectly healthy woman can't conceive. Chance is a strong believer in, "It will happen when it's supposed to happen." and "This isn't going to happen on our timeline." I know with all of my heart that both of those things are true. Though it doesn't make the yearning any less. He of course would be thrilled with a new baby, but he doesn't have the strong desire that I do and he doesn't really understand my fear that I won't be able to naturally be a mother. I'm not sure that he could understand completely. He's supportive and is always willing to hold me when I cry. {Which I usually do at least 2 times a week.} I pray for deliverance from the desire to be a mother, but feel no relief. I pray for a blessing of our own. I'm not really sure why I feel compelled to share such personal information, in such an un-private arena. I don't really talk about it to very many people. But lately I've felt like I was going to explode. Chance is getting less patient with me on the subject. And my friends say all the right things but are in different places in their lives and just don't wholly understand. I feel very alone for the first time in my life, and I am surrounded by more people than ever. I work with a wonderful group of women, some who have children others who don't. I have a wonderful husband and family. Yet still I feel completely isolated. I'm beginning to doubt that I'm meant to be a mother, but then again I can't believe that my God would give me such a strong desire if He didn't intend for me to become a mommy. So I suppose that for now I will be praying until I'm blue in the face- or round in the belly.
{one of Olivia's 3 month portraits}
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