today.

today my heart is heavy.

today a woman I went to high school with is laying her baby to rest.

today they are celebrating his life.
today they are mourning their loss.
today they are clinging to the promise of heaven.

today I can't help but think of all the 'what-ifs'.

what if Olivia wasn't diagnosed with PFAPA?
what if it had been cancer?
what if she weren't here tomorrow?

would she know, really know how special she is?
would she know how deep and far and wide my love for her runs?
how funny she is, how sweet, how precious, how inspriring.
would she have been proud of the momma I had been?
how would I face tomorrow?


in today's She Reads Truth devotional we read about when the Lord came to Moses and told him to stand before the king of Egypt and order him to release God's people from captivity. Moses was not a fantastic public speaker. The Lord asks him "Who made a person's mouth?" He goes on to tell Moses to go speak, and He will give him the words to speak. I think today is a good time to remind myself that no matter how difficult the day may look- the Lord will give me just the strength to get through it all. No matter how insurmountable, there isn't anything that God can't accomplish through my mouth, hands, feet or mind.

today I'm praying that when the day seems out-of-control I look to Him.
today I'm praying for a momma-heart that is breaking as she says good-bye, for now. 
today I'm praying that my thoughts, actions, and words reflect my love for Him. And her.
today I'm praising Him for yesterday, and today, and if its His will- tomorrow with her and Him.

an un-resolution resolution

All this fuss over new year's resolutions has me thinking, do we have to do everything?
Do I have to do everything?
These questions have been heavy on my heart lately.

I'm a do-er by nature.
A non-stop work full-time, do the laundry, cook the dinner, rock the baby.... do-it-all-er.
Problem?

I'm coming to find that I can do all of these things- but it's hard to do all of them whole-heartedly.
To quote a very smart woman "the Lord really wants me to do a few things well, instead of a lot of things without heart or passion."

In reflection I'm finding that I've been doing many things without the heart or passion that is deserved.
And this unintentional neglect has left many relationships running a little ragged and my laundry pile higher than I care to admit.

As a daughter of Christ my highest calling is to live by Him, yet I find that I'm increasingly guilty of living by my to-do list. Sitting here in my bed I count no less than 12 books within reach about "being a good mother," about "doing it right." There's a planner on my nightstand filled to the brim with appointments and obligations.

There's also a picture from last Easter of my sweet little family. An ever-present reminder of what I'm called to do best. Of who He has called me to love well.

This year I'm not making resolutions. Sure, I want to be healthy. I'd love to nail down a laundry system that really works for our family.  And I'd probably throw a party if I got Olivia to sleep in her bed through the night on a consistent basis. But what I want most is to wait, listen and follow. Not 3 things that I always do well.
I want to hush the lists, and uncertainty. To follow the Voice in my heart calling me to be who He has designed me to be. Because I'm pretty sure He's not going to be too worried about my to do list when I stand before Him. And I don't want to fall short on the things He has called me to.

when you don't get the answers + big picture

When Olivia was diagnosed with PFAPA (pronounced "fappa") I wasn't surprised. It wasn't scary. It was actually the diagnosis I prayed for. It sounds silly, but I had a peace about Periodic Fever Syndrome, I was ready for it. I had done the research and talked at length with a woman with a daughter who was diagnosed with PFAPA. But before all of that, when it was just us against the fever, with a seemingly endless cycle of motrin and tylenol, I was scared. It was that shake you to the core, anything is possible, paralyzing fear. Because we didn't know what monsters were lurking in the shadows of that fever.

That's why I'm writing this post.
For the mama out there, who doesn't know what's going on with her baby and will scream if she hears "virus" even one more time. I want you to know that you are not crazy; there is an answer to all of this. And good for you for not taking a doctor's word as gospel, and being your child's advocate.

{the sight that stopped my heart}

If you're new here you can read this, this, and this to catch up. 

To put it simply. Olivia gets fevers, regularly. For no reason. There's never any specific virus, or bug that the doctors can identify. Just the fever. PFAPA is characterized by a recurring fever of unknown origin. It took the doctors at Vanderbilt about 20 minutes to diagnose her. If you are going through something similar with your little one, and you don't feel like you are getting the answers you need- I would encourage you to seek another opinion. We were very lucky to have a doctor who doesn't have a God-complex, and knows she doesn't always have the answers. I know not everyone is as lucky. Remember, the doctors work for you. If you don't feel like you are getting the best possible care your (& your baby) deserve better. {stepping off my soapbox now}

Next, I would tell you to seek community. As with most things- walking through the unknown of childhood illnesses is easier when you are surrounded by your people. It is important for you and your child to have a support system. There were many instances where I had been sitting at Olivia's bedside for days with no break, and a friend or family member would all but push me to the bathroom so that I could take a shower, or brought dinner by. Those acts of service were exactly what we needed in that moment.

That brings me to the next point; take care of yourself. I'm sure you've been told before, "if you don't take care of yourself, you're no good to anyone else." Y'all, it's so true. You have to make time to shower, eat and rest. Let the people in your life help. Yes, I agree no one can take care of that baby better than you. But I doubt anything horrible will happen because you take a 5 minutes shower. And you'll feel like a different person after those 5 minutes.

My final piece of advice is to pray. There were many days (and still are) that I would lay in bed with Olivia, her body so hot I could barely stand to hold her- but couldn't let go. In those moments I prayed. I prayed about the temperature of her body, I prayed about the terrifying thoughts in my mind, I prayed He would give the doctors wisdom. This is your baby, the most special tangible thing in your life. You can't just leave it to the doctors- you've got to hand it over to the Great Physician too. These precious babies that He has placed in our care, are after all not our own. They are His.

The time I decided I hate a picture of my girl...

As a mom, I take a lot of pictures.
My poor iPhone; it's a good sport. At one point it had over 3,000 pictures. Thank you, Steve Jobs, thank you.
In 2 years I'd wager to say that I've snapped 30,000+ pictures. Oh my.
And I've loved them all. Until yesterday.

Enter this snapshot.

At first, I found it funny. Sent it to no less than 3 people, posted it to facebook, and had a good laugh at how we "had our hands full." It is, however a perfect depiction of our Olivia. The girl will not ride in the car without a 'maz-gine.' She loves magazines. She loves words, something I pray continues into her adolescence and teen years.

Then, while showing the picture to my mother-in-law, something in me shifted. The Lord used this picture to speak to my heart.

At 2, we don't talk a lot about the world's expectations. Sure we tell her she's pretty, smart, sweet, compassionate, precious.... the list could go on for days. But we don't dive into the tough stuff. Thank goodness, because I've got a few things to learn myself before I go imparting any knowledge. But the words on this cover scare me.

Please Lord, keep this garbage out of my sweet girl's heart. I need her to know that she is more than the headlines. More than the homecoming court. More than the head cheerleader. It doesn't matter how 'bikini ready' her belly is, what the labels in her clothes say or how much money she has. I pray that as her mother, my example glorifies Him. That, at a very young age, she understands that she is the daughter of a great King who loves her just the way she is. A Father that created every wonderful thing about her, and loves her to the width and depth of the universe.


"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:14

"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight." 1 Peter 3:3-4

Mama's hug your girls tight.

Things I want to teach Olivia.

{sorry about the way old picture, but it's still one of my favorites.}

That she MATTERS.

The only real rewards in life are intrinsic.

To be grateful.

To do unto others...

Happiness is a choice.

I love her- NO MATTER WHAT.

All feelings are ok.

I'm worthy of her trust.

Mistakes are ok.

If at first you don't succeed...

Saying no is ok.

To be kind.

Many thanks to this inspiring blog for this list.

Read the post on intentional parenting here. Ah-may-zing.

A Child's 10 Commandments to Parents.

When I first became a mother I had an image in my heart and mind of what kind of mother I would be.
To say that I have lived up to that image for the past 680 days would be a falsehood. If, on March 22, 2010, you had asked me if I would ever be guilty of hastily snapping at Olivia- I would have said never. If you had said that I would question myself, and my patience with Olivia- I would have told you that you were mistaken.
Sadly, I am guilty of both and more. A fact that I am not proud of, but a truth of my life. I pray every moment of every day that God give me the patience, grace and wisdom to parent Olivia.
When I found the Child's 10 Commandments for Parents it was just what I needed to read that day.
I think sometimes we get bogged down with the day to day and lose sight of the ultimate goal of parenting. That is, to raise Godly children. Sometimes when I'm having a particularly difficult day, I'll read through this list. Some days I only have to read a few before the conviction strikes and I'm reminded of my purpose. Some days I read the list 10 times.

1. My hands are small; please don’t expect perfection whenever I make a bed, draw a picture, or throw a ball. My legs are short; please slow down so that I can keep up with you.
2. My eyes have not seen the world as yours have; please let me explore safely: don’t restrict me unnecessarily.
3. Housework will always be there. I’m only little such a short time—please take time to explain things to me about this wonderful world, and do so willingly.
4. My feelings are tender; please be sensitive to my needs; don’t nag me all day long. (You wouldn’t want to be nagged for your inquisitiveness.) Treat me as you would like to be treated.
5. I am a special gift from God; please treasure me as God intended you to do, holding me accountable for my actions, giving me guidelines to live by, and disciplining me in a loving manner.
6. I need your encouragement, but not your praise, to grow. Please go easy on the criticism; remember you can criticize the things I do without criticizing me.
7. Please give me the freedom to make decisions concerning myself. Permit me to fail, so that I can learn from my mistakes. Then someday I’ll be prepared to make the kind of decisions life requires of me.
8. Please don’t do things over for me. Somehow that makes me feel that my efforts didn’t quite measure up to your expectations. I know it’s hard, but please don’t try to compare me with my brother or my sister.
9. Please don’t be afraid to leave for a weekend together. Kids need vacations from parents, just as parents need vacations from kids. Besides, it’s a great way to show us kids that your marriage is very special.
10. Please take me to Sunday school and church regularly, setting a good example for me to follow. I enjoy learning more about God.

21 months.

 

How can it be?

You, my sweet girl, are 21 months old.

We took you to see Santa tonight, you didn't have much to say to him.

I want to journal a sweet moment that happened today in the cake aisle at the grocery.

Mommy: "Olivia, do you want to make a birthday cake for baby Jesus?"

Olivia: "Jesus died."

Mommy: "Yes, baby, he did."

Dee Dee: "Yes, He died on the cross for us."

Olivia: "It's sad."

Mommy: "No sweetie! It's happy because now he's with God!"

Olivia: "With God." {Nodding her head and smiling.}

Moments like that tell me I'm doing something right.

Sweet like sugar..

This post is filled with random pictures that don't really fit into any other post- but too cute not to share..

There is just something magical about being a little girl. I've always said that I was so grateful to the Lord that He chose me to be Olivia's momma. She is such a special child, with such a sweet soul. I love getting to share in tender moments like the ones in these pictures- dress up days, tea parties and silly faces are certainly the sweet spots that get you through the tough ones. But what I most look forward to as Olivia's momma is watching as she grows "into her own." I know that the Lord has wonderful things planned for her, and I can't wait to see how he uses her sweet, strong nature to bring Him glory!

Operation Paci 2.0

Our girl L.O.V.E.S. her paci. Her 'night-night' as she called it.

We originally took it away in April when she was 13 months old on orders from our pediatrician, who recommended that we take it before her 15 month appointment.
But the stinker had some of 'em rat holed. I still can't figure out where she had them.

None the less she managed to find them back in June and seemed to be more attached to them this go 'round.
Needless to say I was less than excited to go through the process of breaking her habit again.
Initially, we thought we would start the process after her 15 month appointment. Then she had the reaction to the MMR vaccine. No dice.
I know my limits, and taking a paci away from a head strong toddler when she's already not feeling well certainly surpasses them.

So after she was on the mend from that I made the decision to just take it away. Cold turkey. I know- hard core right? Chance says I'm Hitler. Oh well.
The theory behind it being... oh what am I saying. There was no theory. It's just how we did it before {we did it that way with the bottle too.}
The execution went a little like this.

8:00 am: Livi wakes up.
8:01 am: I try to convince her she's still tired and wants to sleep a little more. Nope.
8:02 - 8:15 am: Snuggle time.
8:16 am: Go downstairs and begin to prepare her breakfast. {And a diet coke for me.}
8:20 am: Hand Olivia her breakfast, she removes her paci, I stealthily {is that a word?} remove her paci from her high chair tray without her noticing, put it in my pocket.
8:21 am: No more paci. Operation Paci 2.0 is a success.

Now that's not to say that we didn't have our share of challenges in the next few days. Olivia's sleep patterns have definitely taken a hit since we took her paci. And she is a bit more irritable. But we're dealing with it. And standing firm. Well I am anyway- and that's all that matters right?

Hope this helps any of you like-minded momma's out there facing a similar challenge.

My Guilt.

Today, friends, I feel guilty. That kind of guilt only a Mommy can feel. The kind of guilt that pierces your heart and makes you feel like the worst.mother.in.the.world.

I feel guilty because I'm tired.

really stinkin' tired.

because I want to sleep in, just once.

I want to be relieved of bath time and bed time duty, just once.

I feel guilty because the Lord has blessed me.

Olivia is with me, and healthy, and happy.

she is sweet, and smart - so smart.

she can tell you what a pig and a cat and a monkey and a dog and a duck {clack clack} say.

she LOVES to read.

and yet these thoughts still linger.
and that kills me.

The Best Things About Motherhood..

I've always known that I wanted to be a Mommy. Now that I am, I am reminded daily why. There are just so many things I cherish about being a "Mama-Ma"

sweet toothy smiles

pigtails

sleepy snuggles

watching my girl learn something new

seeing the wonder in her eyes

{at the zoo for her birthday 3.23.2011}

seeing her play with other children

her belly laugh

dancing to the "wiggle song"

reading her stories

wispy baby hair brushing my face when I rock her to sleep

when she touches my cheek in the middle of the night

her "I-just-woke-up-and-I'm-so-glad-to-see-you" smile

when she holds my hand while watching tv

{7.5.2011}

watching how much her daddy loves her

her love for animals

how she kisses her bible

her "reading"

her singing

the paci game

watching her eat strawberries

knowing without a shadow of a doubt that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, when I'm with her

Wordy Wednesday