I've been vacillating about whether or not to write this post for some time;
And I've got to tell you a big part of me still doesn't want to.
Why? Because it makes me feel like a horrible mother.
But if I can reach even one momma who is going through the same season, and tell her she's not alone, then I have to write it.
Olivia has always been a bit "big for her britches."
Meaning, from very early on we could see that she was ahead of the curve when it came to emotional maturity. She is a very smart, and empathetic child. She has a clear understanding of her emotions and the emotions of those around her. For these things I am truly thankful- I can't wait to see the ways in which the Lord plans to use her sweet heart to reach people. I'm so proud of the little girl she is.
That being said, as with every other phase, we have met the "terrible two's" early. I hate the name tacked onto this time in a child's life- the "terrible two's." No child is terrible, but sometimes their behavior is down right ugly.
That's where we are. Some days I look at her and wonder where my sweet spirited little girl has gone. Some days in the midst of a 2 hour long scream fest- I just want to cry. She is so head strong and sometimes when we're in the throws of a temper tantrum, I ask myself if this is ever going to stop. Because in that moment it feels as if there is no end to her resolve. And then I remind myself that to everything there is a season, and this too shall pass.
If you find yourself going through a similar time with your little one- I want you to know that you are not alone. I know how frustrating it can be when this little being that you love so much just.won't.stop.screaming. I know the heart break you feel when you don't necessarily like that sweet little tyrant. It's completely normal. There are days that I ask myself what I've gotten into, and question whether or not I'm truly equipped to be a good parent. If you are asking yourself that, let me go ahead and answer that question for you. No, you are not.
No one person is capable of being the parent they dream of being with out the guidance of the Lord. You could be the PTO president and bake cookies every Saturday with your kids, but if you are not constantly seeking Him- you will always fall short of what you could be. I often realize that the days that I am most frustrated and quick-tongued with Olivia, are the days that I have not taken time to just decompress; time to pray and have time with the Lord. Whenever I find myself getting close to that ever-looming brink, I close my eyes and ask for wisdom, grace and guidance. I want Olivia to look back on her childhood and respect the mother I have been. I want her to see God's grace in my parenting. Because at the end of the day- it's not the spankings and the time outs she'll remember. It's how loved she felt, how nurtured she was and how prepared she is for life as an adult in the 'real' world.