brides, brothers and God.

Last Saturday began normal, uneventful.
Wake, shower, leave for work, morning meeting, appointments.

The same thing I do every Saturday.
That's where my day departed from routine.
I had two bridal appointments and a bridal party getting fitted when I noticed one of my brides from last fall looking at the flower girl dresses.
I called over to her, "Sunni, you doing alright sweetie?"
She looked as if she had something she wanted to ask, so I excused myself from my appointments to check on her. Once I reached her I could see that she had her fiance with her. She said that she had someone she wanted me to meet, and that she had a crazy story to tell me...

Sunni: "I have someone I want you to meet, this is a crazy story. This is Cody. (points to her fiance)"
I introduce myself and greet him with a simple "nice to meet you."
Cody: "What is your dad's name?"
Me: "My biological father?"
Cody: "Yeah, your biological father."
Me: "His name is Kenneth Barnett, he goes by Butch."
Cody: (grinning) "I'm your brother."

I look to Sunni, she's smiling and nodding. I look back to Cody. I really look at him, and I know that it's true. He looks so much like our father. Instantly I feel connected to a human that I've known only for about 30 seconds.

They go on to explain that Cody's mom and our dad dated just after high school and ended up conceiving a child. Him. But Cody and our father didn't meet until 2 years ago.

As for how they discovered that I was in fact Cody's sister, that's an even crazier story.
At Sunni's initial appointment last year I "happened" to be the consultant available to help her. She's funny and charismatic, we had a good time during her appointment. We found her gown, finalized her look and did all the paperwork.
I remember thinking, "She's such a doll."
At the end of her appointment she and her mother, Janet, asked if I would mind to take a picture with Sunni to commemorate the day. This is rare, but does happen, so I smiled and said "of course!"

Later that week they were at a church function, where they "happen" to attend with my father. Janet and he were discussing the fact that Sunni had found her gown and that she got it from the salon I work at. My father, knowing I work there, asked her what the consultant's name was. Janet showed him the picture that we "happened" to take at the end of Sunni's appointment.

Seeing a trend here?
All of these events "happened" to fall into place, ensuring that I would in the end meet the older brother I didn't know I had.
But we know that nothing just "happens." The Lord's hand is evident in every turn of this story.
He makes all things work together for our good.

an un-resolution resolution

All this fuss over new year's resolutions has me thinking, do we have to do everything?
Do I have to do everything?
These questions have been heavy on my heart lately.

I'm a do-er by nature.
A non-stop work full-time, do the laundry, cook the dinner, rock the baby.... do-it-all-er.
Problem?

I'm coming to find that I can do all of these things- but it's hard to do all of them whole-heartedly.
To quote a very smart woman "the Lord really wants me to do a few things well, instead of a lot of things without heart or passion."

In reflection I'm finding that I've been doing many things without the heart or passion that is deserved.
And this unintentional neglect has left many relationships running a little ragged and my laundry pile higher than I care to admit.

As a daughter of Christ my highest calling is to live by Him, yet I find that I'm increasingly guilty of living by my to-do list. Sitting here in my bed I count no less than 12 books within reach about "being a good mother," about "doing it right." There's a planner on my nightstand filled to the brim with appointments and obligations.

There's also a picture from last Easter of my sweet little family. An ever-present reminder of what I'm called to do best. Of who He has called me to love well.

This year I'm not making resolutions. Sure, I want to be healthy. I'd love to nail down a laundry system that really works for our family.  And I'd probably throw a party if I got Olivia to sleep in her bed through the night on a consistent basis. But what I want most is to wait, listen and follow. Not 3 things that I always do well.
I want to hush the lists, and uncertainty. To follow the Voice in my heart calling me to be who He has designed me to be. Because I'm pretty sure He's not going to be too worried about my to do list when I stand before Him. And I don't want to fall short on the things He has called me to.

Less us..

My momma-heart is proud today.

Olivia is growing and learning so fast.

With every passing day she teaches me something new. Showing me daily, the precious and sweet things of life. Singing in the grocery store, witnessing to my brother-in-law, saying grace over our Christmas dinner.

Most days are precious and filled with hugs and tippy-toe turns. Tea parties with sweet, stuffed friends. Watching her take care of her babies, making sure each one is perfectly wrapped in their blanket.

Some days are tough; after all she is a toddler. And a head strong one at that. I couldn't begin to count the number of temper tantrums, or cries of frustration. (From her and me, let's be honest)

But I am uniquely blessed to be this child's mother. 

When I was pregnant I wondered what kind of child she would be.

I wondered how she would change our family...  How she would change me.

I prayed over my belly- that He would use her and that her spirit would shine brightly for Him.

 

As she has grown to be the person she is today, three things are abundantly clear.

1. I love her in an insane, unfathomable, indescribable way.

2. She is not mine. She is the daughter of a great Father, who loves her far better and far more than I ever could.

3. She is watching me, in every way.

I saw something once that said "our children become who we are, so strive to be the person you want them to be." That may not be the exact quote- but you get the point. I pray that when Olivia looks at my life 5, 10, 15 years from now she'll see a woman of dignity, of grace.

A woman who loved the Lord first, her husband second, and her daughter more than she could ever put into words.

I pray that the legacy I'm leaving will inspire her. That she would see the "why's" behind every decision. That she would respect the wife, mother, sister, daughter, and friend I am.

I live each day in prayer that He is molding me to be the best version of myself. For her.

This world is an ugly, broken place- and these babies we're pouring ourselves into; they all too soon will be watching it all unfold.

Friends I think if there's one thing we can all agree on it's that we want the best for them.

We want them to be happy, and healthy.

There are countless books written that will tell you how to be the best mother, the toughest mother, the fill-in-the-blank mother; and they're all filled with advise from well-meaning authors.

I've even read a few of them. Well, I read a few chapters anyway.

But I think the most important thing that we can do for these precious souls is to be who we were created to be.

To be honorable, and humble. Help little old ladies, and wash your hands.

Be true, and a great friend. Be more worried about who is sitting next to you than what you're wearing. Read the Word of God, and don't just see the words, but live it too.

Because, sweet friend, they see us, in every moment.

Let's make sure they see more Him and less us.

Glory be to God in the Highest.

And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were much afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; You shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men. And it came to pass, as the angels were gone away from them into heaven, the shepherds said one to another, Let us now go even unto Bethlehem, and see this thing which is come to pass, which the Lord has made known unto us. And they came with haste, and found Mary, and Joseph, and the babe lying in a manger. And when they had seen it, they made known abroad the saying which was told them concerning this child. And all they that heard it wondered at those things which were told them by the shepherds. But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart. And the shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things that they had heard and seen, as it was told unto them.  -Luke 2:8-20

Merry Christmas,

xo- Chance, Sarah and Olivia Bendel 

she sees...

photo credit: Deborah C. Turner Photography

Those beautiful eyes. 

She sees the laundry pile up. She sees the come and go as Momma and Daddy go to work.
She sees her friends when they get hurt at school, and quickly rushes to their side. She sees someone crying on tv and when I look at her I see a single tear running down her cheek. She sees things I miss, things I'm too hurried to see.
She sees so much.

What she doesn't see is the ugly in the world.  Thank God.
She has no idea that there are people who are so lost that they commit horrendous crimes. She is oblivious to the pain and suffering that goes on around the world every day.

I pray that I can keep it that way a while longer. That we can hold onto that innocence. That she can cling to her "child-like" faith, and see the good before the bad.

stream of thought...

I sat down tonight to write a post about Olivia; filled to the brim with precious new pictures, and sweet sentiments. But that's just not what God had planned for me tonight. 

Y'all, my heart is heavy. I'm sure your's is too. 
I spent the afternoon at a photo shoot with Olivia, so I didn't hear the new until much later in the afternoon. I sat in the dance studio lobby, watching Olivia on the viewing monitor & listening to my mother-in-law reading the articles. 

With every sad detail the pit in my stomach got heavier. When she said "kindergarteners," I honestly thought I might be sick. Any act of violence is a tragedy- but these were babies. Each one a precious gift from God.  

Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.
(Psalms 127:3-5)

The entire nation is grieving the loss of those victims. And there's one question we're all asking.

Why?

Why children? Why was this young man so troubled? Why didn't someone see the signs?
So many why's. Questions we'll likely never find a suitable answer for this side of heaven. 

 

As a mom, I struggle with mommy-fear a lot. You know that paralyzing, wake up in the middle of the night-sweating-crying-can't breathe kind of fear. 
Days like today magnify those fears. I've talked before about letting go, and keeping open hands. 
I am constantly reminding myself to keep open hands. That Olivia is not mine, but rather His. Trusting that He has is all in control where she is concerned has been one of the most difficult obstacles in my walk with Him. I'm pretty good at letting go of most things and leaving them at the cross. But the whole mommy-control thing is something I'm pretty tight-fisted on. Thank goodness His mercies are new every morning- because so are my fears. 

When I hear of senseless tragedies like the one that took place today in Connecticut, I praise Him for the blessings, and pray that He comes quickly. 
 

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." Revelation 21:3-4

So lets cling to the hope we have in Heaven, and hug our babies extra tight tonight.

Get to know you ABC's

Y'all I  am so stinkin' excited! I pretty much have the sweetest roomies/travel buddies. I seriously can't wait to hug all of you. Please feel free to seek me out and hug me.

A- Accent you wish you had - I really love my southern accent. But I guess if I had to choose I'd pick the obvious and go British.
B- Baking or Cooking? - I enjoy both, but get excited about baking. So baking.
C- Can't Get Enough..... - Sunset roll. (a sushi roll from a locally owned Thai restaurant.) If you ever come to western Kentucky, let me know and we'll do lunch. You won't regret it.
D- Drink you can't go without - Coffee, but sweet tea is a very close second.
E-Emotion you get when those Hallmark commercials come on - Happy tears, and sometimes an ugly cry.
F-Fictional Character you relate to - I haven't read a fictional book since Twilight. And since I'm not a vampire, I don't really relate to any of those characters. So let's go TV- I'd say Christina Braverman from Parenthood. Not so much in the 3 kids/breast cancer way. Rather in the crazy hectic life, love my husband like mad .. way.
G-Guilty Pleasure - Days of Our Lives. Don't judge me.
H- Hometown - Paducah, KY. Quilt City, USA.
I- Ice Cream Flavor - Double fudge moose tracks.
J- Jumpstart Go To (aka how you get your day started) - Hug from Chance and Olivia, Coffee, Social Media.
K- Keepsake Item - The letter my PawPaw write me on the day I graduated high school. I carry it with me in my wallet and read it when I'm feeling down. Never fails to remind me how much he loved me.
L- Life Verse(s) - "This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24
M-Memory that makes you smile - Gracious, there's so many. One of my favorites is the first time Olivia really belly laughed.
N- Non-fiction writer you want to have dinner with - Ann Voskamp and Angie Smith
O- Opulent Item You Want (something that is way out of your price range) - Trip to Italy.
P-Pattern You Love - Polka dots, chevron, paisley.
Q- Quirk You Have - I talk with my hands, a lot.
R- Relaxing Spot - The rocking chair in Olivia's room.
S- Snow or Sun? - Snow. Because when you're cold you can just keep adding layers. But when your hot- well, once you're naked your naked. And hot.
T- TV show you miss - Law and Order SVU. Yes, I know it's still on the air, but Elliot is gone and it's just not the same.
U- Unique Fact About You - I was stabbed in the nose with a pencil in 1st grade. If you look closely, you can still see the dot on my nose.
V- Valentine's Day ...big deal or not? - So not a big deal.
W- What's Your Love Language? Physical touch, words of affirmation and office supplies.
X- X-Factor Song You Would Sing (sidenote: I don't watch the show...) - Honestly, I've never seen the show. But my favorite song is Reedemer, by Nicole C. Mullen.
Y- Yoga or Not? - I don't really do exercise.
Z- Zealous Dream You Have - to own a children's clothing boutique. There, I said it.

Influence Conference Get to Know You Questions... part 2

What was your favorite food when you were a child?
Spaghetti. Maybe because it was good.. maybe because we ate it at least once a week. 3 small girls, one income= momma cooked on a budget!

When you have 30 minutes of free-time, how do you pass the time?
Usually I check twitter, facebook, instagram, and pinterest. In that order. And repeat. 




Have you ever had something happen to you that you thought was bad but it turned out to be for the best?
I left a full-time position because I didn't feel like it was a good fit for me, with no job to go to. Ended up not working for nearly 6 months. It was a much needed break. I had worked full time since I was 16, and had a job since I was 12. Those 6 months were full of uncertainty- but I was able to spend so much time with Olivia. But most importantly- I learned to fully depend on God. We went from 2 incomes to 1, hard for any family, at any time. So many times He was there, and provided in ways we never expected.
What is your favorite body part?
Awkward?  Umm, Chance likes my smile. Let's go with that one.

If you could choose to stay a certain age forever, what age would it be?
So far I'm liking 25 pretty well.   

Influence Conference Get to Know You Questions.. pt1

 One of my lovely room-mates for the conference had the great idea to host a "Get to know you series" and because I want to be a good roomie, and because she's really sweet (seriously y'all are going to love her), and because it really is a good idea I wanted to participate.

What’s the #1 most played song on your iPod?
"I'm with you" by Amy Grant and Nichole Nordeman. It reminds me of my incredible best friend. It reminds me of this beautiful online community. It reminds me to truly "be with" the people in my life. It's a beautiful song. #2 is "Stand Up" by the Veggietales. So there's that too.

If you had to work on only one project for the next year, what would it be?
Grace. Grace for myself, for my husband, and for others. Sometimes I get caught up in the doing and my obsessive need for tidiness (both literal and figurative), and forget that we are not all perfect. That we are broken. And in that brokenness He is made whole.

What story does your family always tell about you?
My word, there are tons. But the first one that comes to mind is my 5th birthday. I'll set the scene: I had asked for a pink and purple bicycle. I may or may not have been spoiled by my grandparents. I may or may not have acted like a spoiled brat. Anyway, after eating cake and opening a ton of presents I was told we needed to go to the back patio to see my last present. I wasn't a dim child so I knew what it was. (see also, spoiled brat) When the door opened, it was there. My brand new shiny, pink and green bike. I had a melt down. My uncle quickly swooped in and started asking me what my favorite colors were. As I listed them off one by one it happened. My beloved Uncle Barry had done it. He tricked me. I said green. Once I admitted (to myself as much as everyone else) that green was one of my favorite colors I was fine. And I loved my bike. That bike is still in a family members garage. There's another story about the day my sister Lindsay was born, it's really sweet, but totally not embarrassing. So I'll leave you with the bratty story and hope you still want to be my friend.

The best part of waking up is?
Waking Olivia up. She is always has such a big smile on her face when she wakes up and she's in such a good mood. I'll be holding tightly to those memories when she's 12 I'm sure.

What is your favorite time of day/day of the week/month of the year?
Time of day: bedtime. Hands down. Olivia and I don't listen to lullabies at bedtime, I play praise and worship songs. It's a beautiful combination. One of the things/people I am most thankful for in my life and my Jesus. It almost always amounts to my reduced to a puddle of tears.
Day of the week: Friday. Because I get to take Olivia to dance, and it's adorable.
Month of the year: December. I'm just so happy in December. All the decorating, and baking, and gift giving, and doing for others. It fills my cup.

i don't want to be superwoman.

{via}

A friend to me one time that she didn't know how I did it all. How I worked full time, maintained our home, took care of our family, nurtured friendships and still made time to sew a pair of ruffle pants for Olivia. She referred to me a "superwoman." I nearly spit my coffee across the room. Seriously? Me, superwoman? I'm a wreck. My planner is so marked, and highlighted that if you tilt it just the right way it looks like a 4 year old scribbled all over it. On any given day I have a list a mile long- that I never seem to get all marked off. I work crazy hours and Chance and my schedules very rarely lead to time off together. Weeks go by with little more than 15 minutes of conversation each day. Orchestrating a family event is very much like an act of congress.

Superwoman I am not. Not even close.

I've felt like I was falling short lately. Way short.
I wasn't being in the moment with Olivia. I was harsh with Chance. Stressing about money, irritable at work, neglectful with friends.  It was really starting to take a toll.

I'm been praying about how overwhelmed I was, and that He would show me where I needed to cut back. What areas of my life needed a little pruning. I kept feeling Him reminding me that none of that matters.
That as long as I was fulfilling His purpose and His plan for me, it didn't matter if Olivia's bow is falling out, or if I had to wash that load of laundry 3 times in a row because I kept forgetting them in there.

He reminded me that I didn't need to "do." I just needed to "be."
That I shouldn't see my worth in my accomplishments, rather through His eyes.
That He is made perfect in my imperfections.
That I should give myself, and others about a hundred times more grace each day.
That Olivia's adorable outfit doesn't matter a hill-of-beans if she doesn't know Jesus died on the cross for her.

I don't want to be seen as a super woman. I want to be seen as a Godly woman. As a light for Him here. I want people to hear Him before they hear me. And I'm never going to stop seeking that.