December 15, 2012

stream of thought...

I sat down tonight to write a post about Olivia; filled to the brim with precious new pictures, and sweet sentiments. But that's just not what God had planned for me tonight. 

Y'all, my heart is heavy. I'm sure your's is too. 
I spent the afternoon at a photo shoot with Olivia, so I didn't hear the new until much later in the afternoon. I sat in the dance studio lobby, watching Olivia on the viewing monitor & listening to my mother-in-law reading the articles. 

With every sad detail the pit in my stomach got heavier. When she said "kindergarteners," I honestly thought I might be sick. Any act of violence is a tragedy- but these were babies. Each one a precious gift from God.  

Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.
(Psalms 127:3-5)

The entire nation is grieving the loss of those victims. And there's one question we're all asking.


Why children? Why was this young man so troubled? Why didn't someone see the signs?
So many why's. Questions we'll likely never find a suitable answer for this side of heaven. 


As a mom, I struggle with mommy-fear a lot. You know that paralyzing, wake up in the middle of the night-sweating-crying-can't breathe kind of fear. 
Days like today magnify those fears. I've talked before about letting go, and keeping open hands. 
I am constantly reminding myself to keep open hands. That Olivia is not mine, but rather His. Trusting that He has is all in control where she is concerned has been one of the most difficult obstacles in my walk with Him. I'm pretty good at letting go of most things and leaving them at the cross. But the whole mommy-control thing is something I'm pretty tight-fisted on. Thank goodness His mercies are new every morning- because so are my fears. 

When I hear of senseless tragedies like the one that took place today in Connecticut, I praise Him for the blessings, and pray that He comes quickly. 
And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." Revelation 21:3-4

So lets cling to the hope we have in Heaven, and hug our babies extra tight tonight.

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