I've been reading Hope for the Weary Mom lately. Because lately I've been feeling very worn, and very weary.
Chapter 2 is appropriately titled, "When your weakness is all you can see."
And y'all, lately I've been seeing a lot of weakness.
I haven't been the best version of myself lately.
I've been cranky, and short, and impatient.
As the song says, my heart is heavy from the work it takes to keep on breathing.
I downloaded this book last October when it was free on amazon, but just never got around to starting it. Probably because of the 4,953 other things I did start. I finally started it a few weeks ago during a particularly weary bedtime.
I hadn't made it very far into the book before I started nodding my head in agreement, and out came the highlighter and the notes-in-the-margins.
One theme that kept speaking to me was that I didn't have to get it all right.
It was OK if Olivia left the house with no bow (gasp.)
It was OK if my family was fed cereal for dinner 2 nights in one week.
It was OK if I failed every now and then.
I don't know about you- but I take great comfort in the knowledge that our Heavenly Father doesn't give a hoot if Olivia's birthday party is perfectly planned, complete with pinterest-worthy photography.
And if I'm being completely honest with myself, neither does Olivia.
Between play dates and pinterest we are surrounded by the delusion that every one is better at everything than we are. (Oh how I hate/love pinterest.)
I'm tired of it all, and I'm ready to wave the proverbial white flag.
I'm ready to say that it's OK to be weak, because in that weakness He is make strong. (2 Corinthians 12:9)
As I read through chapter 2, I felt something begin to shift. Perhaps my arm, raising that flag.
The chapter concluded with study questions. One of them challenged me to list 5 ways that I am not enough. Part of me cringed.
So many answers, but which ones did I want to own up to with pen and paper.
That's so permanent, so "out-there."
I finally talked myself down and clumsily jotted down 5 things.
Each more convicting than the last.
1. I HATE doing dishes. (yes, all-caps/italics/and underlining was necessary)
"That wasn't so bad. I can do this."
2. I loose my temper way to often.
"That stung a little."
3. I don't rely on Him enough.
"Um. I'm getting better, though."
4. I see the 'bad' much more than I see the 'blessings.'
"I should pray about that. (see- better at #3 already!)"
5. I sit in judgment of Chance and his relationship with Olivia.
"I think I've been sucker punched in the gut."
I'm pretty sure that last one is the one He really wanted me to see in print. Though they are all true, and are all sin, and all require repentance.
I've since found myself recognizing short-comings in a different light.
Recognizing and admitting these things daily.
Praying about them and reminding myself that it's OK to not be a perfect mix of Martha Stewart and Beth Moore.
I can just be Sarah.
Flawed, but loved by her Creator.