as of late.

I'm planning Olivia's birthday party/dinner/day. Chance says there's not going to be a party- I say there is. We'll see who wins. She has requested a pink and blue Cinderella ballerina birthday party. Oy.

A few weeks ago I share with y'all that I met my older brother. He is wonderful. And so is his fiancée, Sunni. I met her at work yesterday for an alterations appointment. All this involvement has me a little nervous about the wedding. It will be the first time I have seen our father in almost 6 years.

I have re-discovered a love for powdered dough nuts and captain crunch. We can thank Olivia for that.

I think want to start freezer-cooking, and canning. And then I remember how many things I have on my plate. Yeah, that's probably not going to happen.

Olivia went back to "school" today. So blessed for sights like this one. A precious reminder of how truly sweet life is. Also, that back pack is just too cute.

In the last 2 weeks our community has lost 2 little boys around Olivia's age; one to cancer, one to an accidental shooting. It's so hard for me to imagine the pain that their families are going through. And makes me even more thankful for the sweet girl that's quietly playing with her dollies in my bedroom floor right now.

My grand-mother is moving back "home" to Tupelo, Mississippi. I'm sad, but excited for her. She's going to be near her brothers; and it gives me a perfect excuse to visit that sweet little town anytime I want.

I read through my notes from the 'Soul Detox' bible study I did with the #SheReadsTruth community last year. It's very interesting to see the shift in my perspective in this past year.

5 ways I'm not enough...

I've been reading Hope for the Weary Mom lately. Because lately I've been feeling very worn, and very weary.

Chapter 2 is appropriately titled, "When your weakness is all you can see."
And y'all, lately I've been seeing a lot of weakness.

I haven't been the best version of myself lately.
I've been cranky, and short, and impatient.
As the song says, my heart is heavy from the work it takes to keep on breathing.

I downloaded this book last October when it was free on amazon, but just never got around to starting it. Probably because of the 4,953 other things I did start. I finally started it a few weeks ago during a particularly weary bedtime. 
I hadn't made it very far into the book before I started nodding my head in agreement, and out came the highlighter and the notes-in-the-margins.

One theme that kept speaking to me was that I didn't have to get it all right.
It was OK if Olivia left the house with no bow (gasp.)
It was OK if my family was fed cereal for dinner 2 nights in one week.
It was OK if I failed every now and then.
I don't know about you- but I take great comfort in the knowledge that our Heavenly Father doesn't give a hoot if Olivia's birthday party is perfectly planned, complete with pinterest-worthy photography.
And if I'm being completely honest with myself, neither does Olivia.

Between play dates and pinterest we are surrounded by the delusion that every one is better at everything than we are. (Oh how I hate/love pinterest.)
I'm tired of it all, and I'm ready to wave the proverbial white flag.
I'm ready to say that it's OK to be weak, because in that weakness He is make strong. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

As I read through chapter 2, I felt something begin to shift. Perhaps my arm, raising that flag.
The chapter concluded with study questions. One of them challenged me to list 5 ways that I am not enough. Part of me cringed.
So many answers, but which ones did I want to own up to with pen and paper.
That's so permanent, so "out-there."

I finally talked myself down and clumsily jotted down 5 things.
Each more convicting than the last.

1. I HATE doing dishes. (yes, all-caps/italics/and underlining was necessary)

"That wasn't so bad. I can do this."

2. I loose my temper way to often.

"That stung a little."

3. I don't rely on Him enough.

"Um. I'm getting better, though."

4. I see the 'bad' much more than I see the 'blessings.'

"I should pray about that. (see- better at #3 already!)"

5. I sit in judgment of Chance and his relationship with Olivia.

"I think I've been sucker punched in the gut."

I'm pretty sure that last one is the one He really wanted me to see in print. Though they are all true, and are all sin, and all require repentance. 
I've since found myself recognizing short-comings in a different light.
Recognizing and admitting these things daily.
Praying about them and reminding myself that it's OK to not be a perfect mix of Martha Stewart and Beth Moore.
I can just be Sarah.
Flawed, but loved by her Creator.

today.

today my heart is heavy.

today a woman I went to high school with is laying her baby to rest.

today they are celebrating his life.
today they are mourning their loss.
today they are clinging to the promise of heaven.

today I can't help but think of all the 'what-ifs'.

what if Olivia wasn't diagnosed with PFAPA?
what if it had been cancer?
what if she weren't here tomorrow?

would she know, really know how special she is?
would she know how deep and far and wide my love for her runs?
how funny she is, how sweet, how precious, how inspriring.
would she have been proud of the momma I had been?
how would I face tomorrow?


in today's She Reads Truth devotional we read about when the Lord came to Moses and told him to stand before the king of Egypt and order him to release God's people from captivity. Moses was not a fantastic public speaker. The Lord asks him "Who made a person's mouth?" He goes on to tell Moses to go speak, and He will give him the words to speak. I think today is a good time to remind myself that no matter how difficult the day may look- the Lord will give me just the strength to get through it all. No matter how insurmountable, there isn't anything that God can't accomplish through my mouth, hands, feet or mind.

today I'm praying that when the day seems out-of-control I look to Him.
today I'm praying for a momma-heart that is breaking as she says good-bye, for now. 
today I'm praying that my thoughts, actions, and words reflect my love for Him. And her.
today I'm praising Him for yesterday, and today, and if its His will- tomorrow with her and Him.

a little valentine's daydreaming...

Chance and I don't typically exchange gifts for Valentine's Day, but if we did, here are a few things that I might like to see tied up with a pretty little bow....

Whitney English 'Day Designer' found here.

Snow Leopard Toms found here.

NS Pottery Coffee Mug found here. (I'd take one of those pretty little rings too!)

Sterling Cuff by Lisa Leonard found here. 

Any sweet friends who wanted to take it upon themselves to email this list to my husband would certainly receive a very sweet thank you card. ;) Kidding of course. Kind of.