The Fever.

Olivia was always a very healthy baby girl. Not so much as a runny nose of a diaper rash; until November. That's when the fevers started. Every 2-3 weeks, like clockwork she would spike a high fever, ranging anywhere from 101.7 to as high as 106. Terrifying. We went through 6 or more rounds of antibiotics, with no results. The fever kept coming back. She's had 5 chest x-rays, nasal and throat cultures, urine analysis {via a rather torturous catheter experience,} and more blood work than I can count; with no answers.

{at an appointment back in December.}

We kept getting the "it's a virus" run around. But I just didn't buy into that theory. A momma knows her baby, and I wasn't about to let it go at that. We reached the end of our rope in March of this year, and at her 24 month well visit Olivia's pediatrician decided that it might be time to seek another opinion. She referred us to the infectious disease clinic at the Monroe Carell Jr. Children's Hospital at Vanderbilt in Nashville. We discussed what they would do and say at our appointment. My stomach did a somersault when the words "spinal tap" escaped her lips. 

Big, scary words like cancer and immunodeficiency swam around in my head. It was a scary time for all of us. We tried to prepare ourselves and Olivia as much as possible. In true fashion, I researched the facility to the ends of the internet. Read tons of information on preparing your child for these kinds of procedures. My mother-in-law got Olivia a play doctor set and we began talking about what they would do when we got to the hospital- as best we could in terms a 2 yr. old could understand. We prepared for an over night stay in Nashville if that became necessary. And then we waited for April 19th, and prayed a lot.

Two days before her appointment we had a conference call with our pediatrician and his P.A. It was April 17th, and Olivia had not had a fever since March 26th. We started to think that maybe it was just a virus all along. We all agreed that it was not wise to put Olivia through the traumatizing invasive tests at Vanderbilt, unless we knew it was absolutely necessary. So, we canceled her appointment. The next day, on the 18th, she spiked a fever. Of course. This fever, however, did not go a high as the ones before and only lasted one day. 

So now we wait. We wait to see if she has another fever- or if the fever on 4-18-12 was an isolated incident. And we pray. We pray for peace and understanding, we pray for healing for Livi's little body, we pray that if she is sick- that the doctors are able to find out what's wrong, we pray for wisdom for her doctors. And then we pray some more.

slow down - wordy wednesday

I'm struggling with this truth right now. I try so hard to be intentional in my time with Olivia. But, it seems I fall short almost daily. The image above is now the background on my phone. What a beautiful reminder. It's from my kindle version of Mother Letters. If you are a mommy and you haven't read this- you really should. It is like sweet tea for the soul. I think we can all use a reminder sometimes that we are not alone.

Praying that we mommy's are able to slow down and truly receive all the blessings The One Who Gives has poured out over us.

Update: 25 before 25

Last August I shared a list of things that I wanted to do before I turned 25, a bucket list of sorts.
My 25 before 25. And then I updated it here in January.

I've got 2.5 months left until I turn 25. 104 days.
So I thought I'd do a little update. Things in blue probably won't happen. Things in yellow, they may. Things in green- I'm determined.


Sell something that I made.
Shop the 400 mile yard sale with my Gran. - but I will shop at other yard sales with her. Love them!

Take Olivia to the Memphis Zoo {where Chance and I got engaged.}

Visit Maria again in Springfield, TN. {By myself} - well kind of, she went with me to (in)RL.
Visit Nikki in Lexington, VA. {With Olivia}
Visit Ashley in Newport News, VA {By myself}

Visit my family in Texas. - My Uncle Barry came to town and Olivia got to meet him, so that was a happy compromise for me.

Visit my family in South Carolina. - I did get to visit with them when they came here!

Finish our house.

Get a new car.

Finish Olivia's quilt.

Re-finish a piece of furniture.

Take Olivia to the St. Louis zoo again.
Take Olivia to Mommy and Me gymnastics classes. - she's going in the fall. {Right Dana?!}
See Beth Moore speak in person. - I didn't do this, but I did get to meet Angie Smith in person, which is a pretty big deal to me.

Finish "1,000 Gifts" by Ann Voskamp

Run a 5K.

Actually celebrate our 5 year anniversary with Chance.

Have a yard sale.

Host a sew day to benefit ConKerr Cancer.

Get a massage. - I'm ashamed to say that I've already allowed one spa gift certificate to expire. It won't happen again!
Make a quilt for Lindsay's baby. - as you can read here, Wyatt was born on January 11th. Thus, putting me way behind on this one.

Finish Olivia's baby book.

Take and edit Kelsey's senior pictures. - she graduates on May 25th. Ugh. So sorry Kels.

Complete the "Night Light" devotional with Chance.

I've accepted that some of these things simply aren't going to happen. With a busy, busy 2 year old and me going back to work full-time it is a constant battle to keep from drowning in all the laundry, scheduling and day to day doing. I've had to say no to a few things. Some of them I really didn't want to say no to, but I'm a better Mommy and wife for having done it.

...

Be still my heart.

a few things.

{I should note that most of the pictures, if not all of them are repeats from my instagram feed. So if you follow that too- these will be repeats. But let's be real here, what are the odds that the someone follows both my blog and my instagram feed?!}

Liv and I are trying something new, I think they call it exercise. I stole scored this jogging stroller at a yard sale for $15. We've laced up our walkin' shoes a few times. I'm hoping to get more routine with it. Momma's got some work to do.

I more than love my new coffee up that was given away at the (in)RL meet up I attended in Nashville. It can be found here. Seriously, this would make a wonderful mom day gift.

Summer has arrived here in western KY and this little lady is loving it. We have been soaking up as much sun as possible, and making some exciting plans with friends for the next few weeks. {She also loves strawberries.}

I almost don't want to post this, for fear of jinxing it. But I know that it could give hope to someone else struggling in this area. Olivia, who used to co-sleep with us, has slept in her big girl bed every night for a month. As with everything else in her life. She transitioned when she was ready to. So thankful that she has such a strong spirit.

Liv is loving her new swing. It's quite the up-grade from the "baby swing" that we bought her for her half birthday. We attached it under the arbor in the back yard. I see hours of pushing and many "wee's" in our future.

This girl is becoming more and more independent by the day. On this particular day she insisted on wearing this bow. The regular pink bow? It simply would not do.

In true form, it's taking me far to long to finish this book. I promise it's not for lack of interest. Because, let me tell you sister,  it is awesome. It has truly been a blessing to me, and Olivia apparently.

This picture reminds me how thankful I am that our Heavenly Father provided Olivia with an Earthly Daddy that loves her, and loves her well. They have the sweetest bond.

We sang "How Marvelous" during our worship at church this morning. What a beautiful song. It reminds me of my great-grandmother, Granny B. That woman is singing in the angel choir, I know it.
Praising the One who makes all things possible; that he has blessed us beyond measure. My cup runneth over.

A little late....

10 things I'm loving today:

Pinterest Edition. 

Do you love Pinterest? You should. It's awesome, but a complete time-suck. I love it still. (As if the 3149 pins weren't proof enough)

Today- 10 things I'm loving from my most recent 'pins':

{source}

Gorgeous portrait of a momma and her little.

{source}

Can't wait to make this for our summer grill outs!

{source}

STOP it! I die of cuteness. Definitely making these!

{ugh. can't find the link for this one.}

This is what I will be wearing to the Cardinal's game this summer on our St. Louis vacation!

{source}

Someone please have a baby so I can make this heart garland.

{source}

Stunning.

{source}

Not a huge fan of the name, but I think I could probably eat my weight in them.

{source}

Appropriate for today.

{source}

I like the colors.

{source}

I love everything about this room.

I think that's ten.. off to pin more...

Communtiy

photo credit: Jessica Turner

This past weekend is quickly climbing the chart of the best weekends of 2012. I wasn't sure at first how it would go, but so glad I made the leap to attend the (in)RL conference in Nashville with a sweet friend. 

I was so nice to get to visit with Maria on the way to Nashville. It's been too long since we talked at length about life. There are few friends in my life who truly celebrate this season of life with me. So thankful to have them. Hanging with Maria was a no-brainer. Stepping out of my comfort zone and walking into a room full of 40+ women- another issue entirely.

Like I said in this post I've got some scars. I still struggle with community, with reaching out and opening up to people. I'm often mistaken for a 'snob' because it is so hard for me to talk to people.. the truth- I'm painfully shy. I petrified of rejection. So this weekend I was nervous. OK let's be honest. Y'all- I was down right scared.

Broken hearts, they break easy. But He has the power to heal.

Jessica, Angie, and Annie hosted at Cross Point. And it was wonderful. So many sweet women, breathtaking videos and wonderful community. And my word, who ever brought that puppy chow- it was off the charts. I got to chat for a minute with Angie. And let me tell you, she's even prettier and sweeter in person. I may or may not have cried.  I wonder if anyone else cried when they met her for the first time? Hmph.

This weekend was so much more than watching videos and eating good food. For me- it was taking a few of those bricks away from the wall surrounding my heart. I love how Holley said in one of the videos that (paraphrasing here) she had built a wall around herself and then wondered why she was the only on in there. She took the words right out of my mouth. I have long struggled with making friends, because it is so difficult for me to let people in. But I'm seeing progress. He is working on my heart, and I am happier for it. 

To the ladies that were so sweet to me on Saturday, thank you. (That's you Nicole, Sarah, Tonya, and April. Y'all were the best table-mates a girl could ask for.)

Sweet friends, if you are struggling to mend the shattered pieces of your heart all by yourself- it is my prayer for you that you gain the courage to reach out. And that the Great Physician will heal you. Because, after all, He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

Denim Day 2012

Few people in my life know that I am a survivor of sexual violence. There- I said it.
I don't talk about it very often. Partly because I don't like to re-visit that time of my life; and partly because I don't feel like it defines me. I've been very blessed in my life to have been surrounded by a few very supportive people who I owe much of my sanity to. These people have shown me the kind of understanding that can only come from Him, and have loved me well. I can honestly say that I have been very lucky to have 'overcome' that period of time. Sure- there are times when I think about it; but I have closure.

Closure is something that I pray all victims of sexual violence attain some day. Sadly, I know first hand that many victims never see the light at the end of that very long and dark tunnel. So, naturally, raising awareness for sexual violence prevention is a cause near and dear to my heart. Wednesday, April 25th, is the 13th Annual Denim Day in LA. Denim Day is a sexual violence prevention and education campaign to increase awareness about sexual violence, prevention and available resources for sexual violence survivors.

We have a choice.

I have shared very little about my life before I became an adult. Mainly because it's just not something I usually talk about. A good portion of my childhood was, for all intents and purposes, happy. There were some difficult times. But there were some dark times as well. Very dark.

{via}

A child's upbringing has a huge impact on the person they grow to be; but I do not believe it to be the deciding factor. I believe that as an adult, the damaged child has a unique opportunity. Simply put:

We have a choice.

That realization was both terrifying and thrilling for me. For once I had the upper hand, the ball was in my court. Yet for several years I was emotionally paralyzed. I was so afraid to make the wrong choice; to take the wrong path. {and believe me- I traveled it a time or two.} I was 14 when I fully understood that my life was my responsibility. It was up to me to be successful, happy, & healthy. That was the scary part. But I was so gratified in that knowledge. In my short 14 years I had seen so much chaos, and I was now able to walk away from it. I didn't have to live like that anymore. I could step out of the shadows, figuratively speaking.

That is when my faith got real. I clung to Isaiah 41:13..


For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.

Y'all, that is powerful stuff.  He was there, holding my hand. But most importantly- I wasn't alone. Ever.

Friend, if you are going through a season in your life where there is more darkness than light, it is my prayer for you that you gain a very real understanding of Isaiah 41:13. Because He is holding your right hand and you do not have to fear.