i don't want to be superwoman.

{via}

A friend to me one time that she didn't know how I did it all. How I worked full time, maintained our home, took care of our family, nurtured friendships and still made time to sew a pair of ruffle pants for Olivia. She referred to me a "superwoman." I nearly spit my coffee across the room. Seriously? Me, superwoman? I'm a wreck. My planner is so marked, and highlighted that if you tilt it just the right way it looks like a 4 year old scribbled all over it. On any given day I have a list a mile long- that I never seem to get all marked off. I work crazy hours and Chance and my schedules very rarely lead to time off together. Weeks go by with little more than 15 minutes of conversation each day. Orchestrating a family event is very much like an act of congress.

Superwoman I am not. Not even close.

I've felt like I was falling short lately. Way short.
I wasn't being in the moment with Olivia. I was harsh with Chance. Stressing about money, irritable at work, neglectful with friends.  It was really starting to take a toll.

I'm been praying about how overwhelmed I was, and that He would show me where I needed to cut back. What areas of my life needed a little pruning. I kept feeling Him reminding me that none of that matters.
That as long as I was fulfilling His purpose and His plan for me, it didn't matter if Olivia's bow is falling out, or if I had to wash that load of laundry 3 times in a row because I kept forgetting them in there.

He reminded me that I didn't need to "do." I just needed to "be."
That I shouldn't see my worth in my accomplishments, rather through His eyes.
That He is made perfect in my imperfections.
That I should give myself, and others about a hundred times more grace each day.
That Olivia's adorable outfit doesn't matter a hill-of-beans if she doesn't know Jesus died on the cross for her.

I don't want to be seen as a super woman. I want to be seen as a Godly woman. As a light for Him here. I want people to hear Him before they hear me. And I'm never going to stop seeking that.

my journey to influence.

So, I'm going to the Influence Conference in Indianapolis. I could not be more excited, or feel more blessed. This has been something the Lord put on my heart in the spring, but never really looked like a possibility- until Thursday. That's when the Lord moved, and moved fast. 

Spring 2012: I was reading Casey's blog and first read about the conference. I was immediately interested and wished I could go. I prayed about it a few times and told myself & the Lord that if I was supposed to be there, I'd be there. All the while having absolutely no idea how it would all happen, given the cost involved.
April 28, 2012: Attended a in(RL) meet up hosted by Angie, Jessica and Annie. It was a huge step out of my comfort zone, so I dragged my best friend Maria along. We both left happy. I left with a feeling that maybe, just maybe I could do this whole 'community' thing after all.
May 2012: I created a twitter account, and though it felt very creeper-ish at first- I began to seek community. Also in May I started the Soul Detox bible study and followed along with the She Reads Truth community.
Summer 2012: Life caught up with us, Olivia kept having the fevers, my best friend was going through a really tough time. Life was busy. But I still felt that push, the gentle nudge to continue to be intentional in my online friendships. I was blessed to be able participate in the She Reads Truth community in a more involved manner, and began maintaining the instagram feed. Olivia was diagnosed, she started school, and dance. Life was busy still. Yet, these connections kept popping up. I continued to pray that if the Lord wanted me to attend this conference that He would show me a way.
Early September 2012: Two girls that I had "met" had been very faithful in checking in with me about the conference. We all felt like I was supposed to be there. They had been holding the 4th spot in their room for me, so sweetly. Eventually, we had to face the reality that the money simply was not there. I had attempted to raise the money for the costs several times. And even almost had my ticket paid for once, but something always came up. at one point I said I would "need a miracle." I told the girls to let someone else take my spot that "2012 was just not the year, but that I'd be there in 2013!" To say I was disappointed would be an understatement.

That brings us to last Wednesday night. On my way home from work I couldn't stop thinking about the conference and this community. I cried as I drove. And as I walked into the garage, I prayed to the Lord- "Father, I don't know why my heart wont let this go. I feel like I'm supposed to be there. Lord, if it is your will for me to go- you're going to have to make it happen. I can't. If this isn't the year, please just take the desire from my heart." And that was it. I went upstairs, put Olivia to bed and then went to sleep myself. He started moving, and He moved big!

Thursday:
9:38am- I was sitting in the drop off line at Olivia's school. Something made me pick up my phone and look at twitter. I saw Jessi's tweet about some scholarships that were available. I had instant hope. Maybe this would happen after all. I sat in the parking lot, hands shaking as I typed "Oh Jessi, this is truly an answer to prayer! I've been dying to come to influence but there's simply no way we can afford it."
Again I prayed that the Lord would show me if this was truly what He wanted for me.
10:04am- DM'd Ashley on twitter to tell her I was coming. Joined the Influence facebook page. Posted that I was looking for room-mates. I tried very hard not to let the logistics and cost of hotel/travel get me down. Still praying.
Noon- Started posting Olivia's old clothes and toys on a local classifieds page. Things start selling.
1:13pm- Ashley texts me saying that she and Brittany would like for me to be their 5th roomie. The cost of my hotel stay was cut to a fraction of the original price.
2:25pm- I'd sold $45 of Olivia's old things. In 2 hours my ticket was almost halfway paid for. Truly a miracle. I talked to my mom about borrowing her van so that I could drive to Indy, as airfare was looking like it might cost about $500.00. She said it was obvious that the Lord wanted me at this conference and that we'd figure it out.
3:00pm- I left for work and literally cried the whole way there. I was completely overwhelmed by God's grace and goodness.
9:30pm- Got home from work, still trying to figure out the money aspect. But certain that the Lord had made His intent clear. Checked facebook, $40.00 more had sold. All but $15 of my ticket= paid. Went to bed praising Him!
Friday:
8:15am- Woke up to a tweet from Lena, inviting me to carpool with her and 2 other lovelies from Nashville. Instant tears. Rebecca responds that she lives in Murray (30 min. away), and that I can ride with her to meet the others in Nashville. Uncontrollable sobs. Y'all He is good, so so very good.
around 9:00am- Checked facebook. Ticket, travel and hotel are all paid for.

In 24 hours. Less than that really. I was speechless, smiling uncontrollably- but speechless.

I had sold a pair of pajama's and 2 shirts to a girl for $4, we'll call her Jane. I arranged to deliver various items to people throughout the day Friday. I delivered her items, and thanked her for her part in getting me to this conference. After a long day of deliveries, Olivia and I went home to get ready for dance. A quick phone call to Ashley about all this awesomeness. Still in complete shock. One more check of facebook. Jane had requested 2 more items. Again, her total was $4. We arranged a time that worked for both of us to make the transaction. Then Olivia and I left for dance. We got home around 7:30 and I did another quick check of facebook. Jane had sent me a private message saying that she had miscounted her money and that she didn't have to money to buy the items because she still had to buy diapers for her daughter. My heart broke for her. She said she really wanted those pj's; I told her that I would be happy to hold the items for her until she could get them. Instantly the Lord spoke to me. He told me I should give her the items. I went to sleep that night thinking of her. And remembering times when we struggled and were blessed beyond measure by someone else. I knew what I had to do. I woke up early on Saturday morning and got ready for work. I thought about Jane all day long. My heart was just so heavy for her. When I was driving home I prayed for her and her circumstances. As I rocked Olivia to sleep the Lord told me that I wasn't done with her just yet. I needed to buy those diapers for her. There was no doubt. I had to do it. I went to sleep again, thinking of her, the conference & His goodness. I woke up around midnight and could not go back to sleep. Finally, around 3am I got out of bed. I had to get the thoughts out of my head. I sat down to write a little note to accompany the little care package. I can't remember exactly what I set out to write. All I know is that as soon as I sat down to write all I could think about was purpose behind Influence. Making much of Him. This was what it was all about. MY influence. I had the opportunity to be a light for Him in this moment. This was my chance to use my influence in life to show someone Christ's love. Amazing. I bought the diapers ($9.97) and delivered the diapers, pj's, toy, a pack of wipes and my heart for her in that note. I had told one of the girls at work about this situation and how my heart was broken for her, then I told her about my morning delivery and that I hoped it gave Jane some encouragement. Not 10 minutes later a customer walked in and bought a preservation kit from me. An automatic $10.00 spiff onto my paycheck. See what He did there. Chance and I didn't really have the money to buy someone else's child diapers, but I did it anyway. And He provided, as He always does.

So it all came full circle. A dream turned to reality, a need turned to a blessing, all for His glory.

the one where I pour our my heart in thanks... for social media.

During Olivia's last fever episode I posted this picture on instagram:

Several women commented on the picture, and prayed with us for Olivia. {Thank You.}
As I've said before, the twitter and instagram communities have been good to me. They have loved me well.
One particular commenter was Becky. Such a sweet lady, with a sweeter heart. She left this: "They went to Vanderbilt and she was diagnosed." Hold the phone. There was a momma out there, with a baby with similar conditions, that went to the same hospital we're going to, that.was.diagnosed. A spark of hope. Hope that we won't hear the V-word, virus. That was a huge blessing in and of itself.

As you can see- Becky so sweetly texted her friend, Marisha, to find out what the diagnosis was.
This girl was seriously blessing my heart.
We emailed back and forth a bit, and then she gave me Marisha's email address. My hearts almost burst with gratitude.
I emailed Marisha, her response was simple- she thought it would be easier to explain over the phone. We were finally able to connect last night. Y'all, she is amazing!
She explained her daughter's history, her diagnosis/treatment and a little bit about their experience at Vanderbilt. Hearing her description of her daughter's episodes was like listening to a recording of myself. So surreal. But wonderful to know that I'm not the only mother watching her child go through this. She calmed any anxieties I had, and all but confirmed my suspicion that Olivia does, indeed, have Periodic Fever Syndrome. She told me how wonderful the staff at Vanderbilt Children's Hospital is and how they had (and continue to have) a great experience. Seriously in that 30 minute conversation, she blessed my socks off.

My point in all of this is two-fold:
1. Praise God for this phone call. That has completely re-shaped my outlook on next Thursday. Praise God for Becky, and for Marisha. Two incredibly sweet ladies, who've shown me the love of Jesus in this season.
2. The internet/blogs/twitter/instagram, social media in general, is not just a place to go and chat it up. It's not a time killer, and it's certainly not pointless. God is using these avenues to reach people, and we should be too. Goodness knows that the enemy is. The garbage that's out there is dizzying. It's coming at us from every angle. But that doesn't mean that social media is bad. We can choose how we use this outlet. Because of twitter, instagram, and more specifically- the She Reads Truth devotionals I was brought to these 2 women and through a series of small actions I was given a sense of peace about Olivia's health that I haven't known since last fall. So next time you see a tweet about someone not feeling well, or going through a trial- take time to respond with encouraging words. And when you see someone on the mountain top- praise God with them for His blessings. He is the same God in the valley that He is on the mountain top.

*** HUGE thanks to Becky and Marisha- you two have blessed my heart beyond words, and I love both of you for it.

That time I did a devotional online...

64 days ago I joined a group of lovely ladies who were doing a devotional together using the YouVersion Bible Application.

 

I detoxed, then I surrendered, and now I'm praying.
These devotionals have been such a blessing to me. Just like I knew they would be. They have held me accountable for reading His word everyday. Something I've never been consistent in. They have revealed many truths about myself and my life, and taught me some invaluable lessons. I'm so grateful for these things.
But I'm most grateful for the not so obvious way it is changing me. The way He is changing me.
I've said before that I struggle with community. The whole letting people in, and reaching out thing is hard for me. Like crazy hard. I want to make friends, but I'm paralyzed by fear of rejection and judgment.
This community is helping me to work through that. It's easier to comment on a picture, tweet, or a blog post from behind a computer screen. A lot easier. That fear is lessened a bit by the anonymity of the internet. I've 'chatted' more openly with women in the last 64 days than I ever have. These women have become a huge support system. When I was having a tough day, Kayse sent me words of encouragement. When Olivia was sick, countless women prayed. {Thank You from the bottom of my heart- we are due for another episode next week, so let's keep praying for health} When Olivia went to day care for the first time, Amanda blessed my heart and nearly brought me to tears.
And in returning His goodness, I selflessly have prayed with and for people I only know through my computer screen. It has been one of the greatest blessings in my life. There is no greater way to say 'I love you' than to pray for someone.

The Lord has opened my eyes to so many women. Women that have amazing hearts for God, women who are hurting, women who are on the mountain top. They are all bringing Him glory and I want to hug them all around the neck and hold their hand as we pray and praise together. Seriously y'all, I wish we could sit down with each other with our hearts and coffee cups full.
If you have reached out to me I want to thank you. You have no idea how much easier that has made all of this for me; truly, you were Jesus to me and I praise Him for you. Thank you, friend.


**if you have no idea what I'm talking about hop over to the She Reads Truth website and click the "What?" link under the header. It explains how this all got started and how to jump in to the studies.
Seriously, do it- I promise you won't regret it.

The time I decided I hate a picture of my girl...

As a mom, I take a lot of pictures.
My poor iPhone; it's a good sport. At one point it had over 3,000 pictures. Thank you, Steve Jobs, thank you.
In 2 years I'd wager to say that I've snapped 30,000+ pictures. Oh my.
And I've loved them all. Until yesterday.

Enter this snapshot.

At first, I found it funny. Sent it to no less than 3 people, posted it to facebook, and had a good laugh at how we "had our hands full." It is, however a perfect depiction of our Olivia. The girl will not ride in the car without a 'maz-gine.' She loves magazines. She loves words, something I pray continues into her adolescence and teen years.

Then, while showing the picture to my mother-in-law, something in me shifted. The Lord used this picture to speak to my heart.

At 2, we don't talk a lot about the world's expectations. Sure we tell her she's pretty, smart, sweet, compassionate, precious.... the list could go on for days. But we don't dive into the tough stuff. Thank goodness, because I've got a few things to learn myself before I go imparting any knowledge. But the words on this cover scare me.

Please Lord, keep this garbage out of my sweet girl's heart. I need her to know that she is more than the headlines. More than the homecoming court. More than the head cheerleader. It doesn't matter how 'bikini ready' her belly is, what the labels in her clothes say or how much money she has. I pray that as her mother, my example glorifies Him. That, at a very young age, she understands that she is the daughter of a great King who loves her just the way she is. A Father that created every wonderful thing about her, and loves her to the width and depth of the universe.


"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:14

"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight." 1 Peter 3:3-4

Mama's hug your girls tight.

what a playdate taught me about life...

{Olivia and her best-friend}

It's funny isn't it? How we're supposed to be the one's teaching them; yet more often than not- God uses them to teach us invaluable truths??

That's exactly what happened to me a couple of weeks ago.  It was a low-key day. I think it was a Thursday. We had a morning play date planned with 2 of our besties. Normally I'm that mom. You know the one. The mom who always has her hair fixed and face on. The mom that insists on my and Olivia's outfits being just.so. Only a handful of people have ever seen me without make up.

Photo proof: This picture is from March 23, 2010- and I just happen to be delivering a baby at this exact moment. 

I don't mean to sound braggy- do I sound braggy? I have a point I promise. Stick with me.

Anyway, back to the play date...

Make up and hair don't hold up so well on a 90 degree day in June spent pool side. So, I didn't do my make up. Not even the eyeliner.  And I sloppily threw my and Olivia's hair up in a "bun." And you know what? It didn't make a bit of difference. Olivia still had a blast and I still got to spend some QT with a dear dear friend. And no one cared that my complexion isn't flawless, and that I had a few hairs out of place. 

The important thing was that I was there. Living my life, right where I was. Because as James 4:14 says:  

"How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like the morning fog- it's here for a little while, then it's gone."

I'm learning that things don't have to be perfect to glorify Him. The Lord does not call me to be the best dressed mommy {thank goodness.} He does not call me to spend time in the bathroom, fretting over those "baby bangs." However, He does call me to be present in my life. And to be the kind momma, wife and friend that shows His love to those around me. 

Olivia just turned 27 mo. last Saturday. Friends, I have blinked and my 6lb 14oz baby girl is a laughing, running, talking, potty-trained toddler. Her first year I worked way too much, and missed even more. I can't bare to let even another moment go without praise. He has blessed me more than I could ever deserve. And that morning fog? I can feel it fading a little bit every day.

A Rant.

I had planned to right a cute little post tonight about Olivia's first swim of the year and share some adorable pictures. And then I got a text message that changed my frame of mind completely.

A very dear friend was faced with a life altering decision. Without going into too many details; my friend was asked by a very close relative to adopt said relatives unborn child. My sweet friend has been trying to conceive for some time and is feeling very torn right now. Adopting the child would prevent the child growing up in what would likely be a difficult childhood. Much like hers. She has dedicated her life to improving the lives of children. Making this all the more troublesome. On the flip side. Odds are, if she agreed to adopt- the relative would decide to back out, either before or after birth. Then I got the text that broke my heart. "...Sarah... whats wrong with me? Why hasn't God blessed me yet?..." To say I lost it is an understatement. 

I can't help being a little frustrated by this. OK, I'm more than a little frustrated. I'm heart broken for my friend. For all mother's suffering with infertility.  I have a difficult time coping with the truth that some are given the blessing of raising a child, when others are not. Other's that want so badly to be mothers, others that would make incredible mothers. I know so many. I'm sure you do too.

I pray this verse over those women tonight; "For the vision is yet for an appointed time…though it tarry, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry.”  Habakkuk 2:3

If I could sit these women down across the breakfast table over two cups of coffee, I would hold their hand and remind them that they were created by a God that has a plan for us all. Plans to prosper. And that His "Not now" is not necessarily "No."
And for those of us who have been so incredibly blessed to have been entrusted with these babies- never forget how blessed you are. Hug them a little tighter. Our time with them is but a moment in forever.

Wordy Wednesday

Communtiy

photo credit: Jessica Turner

This past weekend is quickly climbing the chart of the best weekends of 2012. I wasn't sure at first how it would go, but so glad I made the leap to attend the (in)RL conference in Nashville with a sweet friend. 

I was so nice to get to visit with Maria on the way to Nashville. It's been too long since we talked at length about life. There are few friends in my life who truly celebrate this season of life with me. So thankful to have them. Hanging with Maria was a no-brainer. Stepping out of my comfort zone and walking into a room full of 40+ women- another issue entirely.

Like I said in this post I've got some scars. I still struggle with community, with reaching out and opening up to people. I'm often mistaken for a 'snob' because it is so hard for me to talk to people.. the truth- I'm painfully shy. I petrified of rejection. So this weekend I was nervous. OK let's be honest. Y'all- I was down right scared.

Broken hearts, they break easy. But He has the power to heal.

Jessica, Angie, and Annie hosted at Cross Point. And it was wonderful. So many sweet women, breathtaking videos and wonderful community. And my word, who ever brought that puppy chow- it was off the charts. I got to chat for a minute with Angie. And let me tell you, she's even prettier and sweeter in person. I may or may not have cried.  I wonder if anyone else cried when they met her for the first time? Hmph.

This weekend was so much more than watching videos and eating good food. For me- it was taking a few of those bricks away from the wall surrounding my heart. I love how Holley said in one of the videos that (paraphrasing here) she had built a wall around herself and then wondered why she was the only on in there. She took the words right out of my mouth. I have long struggled with making friends, because it is so difficult for me to let people in. But I'm seeing progress. He is working on my heart, and I am happier for it. 

To the ladies that were so sweet to me on Saturday, thank you. (That's you Nicole, Sarah, Tonya, and April. Y'all were the best table-mates a girl could ask for.)

Sweet friends, if you are struggling to mend the shattered pieces of your heart all by yourself- it is my prayer for you that you gain the courage to reach out. And that the Great Physician will heal you. Because, after all, He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

We have a choice.

I have shared very little about my life before I became an adult. Mainly because it's just not something I usually talk about. A good portion of my childhood was, for all intents and purposes, happy. There were some difficult times. But there were some dark times as well. Very dark.

{via}

A child's upbringing has a huge impact on the person they grow to be; but I do not believe it to be the deciding factor. I believe that as an adult, the damaged child has a unique opportunity. Simply put:

We have a choice.

That realization was both terrifying and thrilling for me. For once I had the upper hand, the ball was in my court. Yet for several years I was emotionally paralyzed. I was so afraid to make the wrong choice; to take the wrong path. {and believe me- I traveled it a time or two.} I was 14 when I fully understood that my life was my responsibility. It was up to me to be successful, happy, & healthy. That was the scary part. But I was so gratified in that knowledge. In my short 14 years I had seen so much chaos, and I was now able to walk away from it. I didn't have to live like that anymore. I could step out of the shadows, figuratively speaking.

That is when my faith got real. I clung to Isaiah 41:13..


For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.

Y'all, that is powerful stuff.  He was there, holding my hand. But most importantly- I wasn't alone. Ever.

Friend, if you are going through a season in your life where there is more darkness than light, it is my prayer for you that you gain a very real understanding of Isaiah 41:13. Because He is holding your right hand and you do not have to fear.

A Child's 10 Commandments to Parents.

When I first became a mother I had an image in my heart and mind of what kind of mother I would be.
To say that I have lived up to that image for the past 680 days would be a falsehood. If, on March 22, 2010, you had asked me if I would ever be guilty of hastily snapping at Olivia- I would have said never. If you had said that I would question myself, and my patience with Olivia- I would have told you that you were mistaken.
Sadly, I am guilty of both and more. A fact that I am not proud of, but a truth of my life. I pray every moment of every day that God give me the patience, grace and wisdom to parent Olivia.
When I found the Child's 10 Commandments for Parents it was just what I needed to read that day.
I think sometimes we get bogged down with the day to day and lose sight of the ultimate goal of parenting. That is, to raise Godly children. Sometimes when I'm having a particularly difficult day, I'll read through this list. Some days I only have to read a few before the conviction strikes and I'm reminded of my purpose. Some days I read the list 10 times.

1. My hands are small; please don’t expect perfection whenever I make a bed, draw a picture, or throw a ball. My legs are short; please slow down so that I can keep up with you.
2. My eyes have not seen the world as yours have; please let me explore safely: don’t restrict me unnecessarily.
3. Housework will always be there. I’m only little such a short time—please take time to explain things to me about this wonderful world, and do so willingly.
4. My feelings are tender; please be sensitive to my needs; don’t nag me all day long. (You wouldn’t want to be nagged for your inquisitiveness.) Treat me as you would like to be treated.
5. I am a special gift from God; please treasure me as God intended you to do, holding me accountable for my actions, giving me guidelines to live by, and disciplining me in a loving manner.
6. I need your encouragement, but not your praise, to grow. Please go easy on the criticism; remember you can criticize the things I do without criticizing me.
7. Please give me the freedom to make decisions concerning myself. Permit me to fail, so that I can learn from my mistakes. Then someday I’ll be prepared to make the kind of decisions life requires of me.
8. Please don’t do things over for me. Somehow that makes me feel that my efforts didn’t quite measure up to your expectations. I know it’s hard, but please don’t try to compare me with my brother or my sister.
9. Please don’t be afraid to leave for a weekend together. Kids need vacations from parents, just as parents need vacations from kids. Besides, it’s a great way to show us kids that your marriage is very special.
10. Please take me to Sunday school and church regularly, setting a good example for me to follow. I enjoy learning more about God.

Last Saturday.

Last Saturday I faced one of my greatest fears. Last Saturday I thought I might lose my best friend, my husband.

To say it was scary would be an understatement. It's no secret that Chance and I have been through our share of 'rough patches,' and I have spent many hours wondering what my life would be like with out Chance. But there was a finality in my fears that night. It was paralyzing.

We were eating dinner on a rare night out. Having a great time- I was thanking God for those moments. Chance told me he wasn't feeling right. We'd been passing a nasty cold around at our house; so at first I thought that maybe he was starting to feel bad again. Then he bit his tongue, hard and started getting really hot. He was instantly drenched in sweat.. He stood up and then he fell.
Words like heart attack, stroke and seizures were swimming in my head. Just moments before I was thanking God for the night we were having and in a heartbeat my prayers switched to begging the Lord to give us more time.

When the paramedics arrived his blood pressure was 76/42. We were transported by ambulance to a local hospital, where we spent the next 2 nights. After a chest x-ray, many panels of blood work, 2 EKG's, a cat scan, a 2D echo of his throat and heart, a full stroke assessment, and an MRI the final diagnosis was that he had what is known as a vagal response. Which caused his blood vessels to open up {making him feel disoriented} and when he stood up from his seat his body was unable to fight the gravitational pull on his blood. All this to say that his brain was deprived of oxygen and he lost consciousness.
Odds are that this was a one time ordeal and it will never happen again. I pray that this is the case.

That night reminded me that nothing is guaranteed. My next breath could very well be my last. I want to know that I have lived not only the length of my life-- but also the width of it.

21 months.

 

How can it be?

You, my sweet girl, are 21 months old.

We took you to see Santa tonight, you didn't have much to say to him.

I want to journal a sweet moment that happened today in the cake aisle at the grocery.

Mommy: "Olivia, do you want to make a birthday cake for baby Jesus?"

Olivia: "Jesus died."

Mommy: "Yes, baby, he did."

Dee Dee: "Yes, He died on the cross for us."

Olivia: "It's sad."

Mommy: "No sweetie! It's happy because now he's with God!"

Olivia: "With God." {Nodding her head and smiling.}

Moments like that tell me I'm doing something right.

My Guilt.

Today, friends, I feel guilty. That kind of guilt only a Mommy can feel. The kind of guilt that pierces your heart and makes you feel like the worst.mother.in.the.world.

I feel guilty because I'm tired.

really stinkin' tired.

because I want to sleep in, just once.

I want to be relieved of bath time and bed time duty, just once.

I feel guilty because the Lord has blessed me.

Olivia is with me, and healthy, and happy.

she is sweet, and smart - so smart.

she can tell you what a pig and a cat and a monkey and a dog and a duck {clack clack} say.

she LOVES to read.

and yet these thoughts still linger.
and that kills me.