stream of thought...

I sat down tonight to write a post about Olivia; filled to the brim with precious new pictures, and sweet sentiments. But that's just not what God had planned for me tonight. 

Y'all, my heart is heavy. I'm sure your's is too. 
I spent the afternoon at a photo shoot with Olivia, so I didn't hear the new until much later in the afternoon. I sat in the dance studio lobby, watching Olivia on the viewing monitor & listening to my mother-in-law reading the articles. 

With every sad detail the pit in my stomach got heavier. When she said "kindergarteners," I honestly thought I might be sick. Any act of violence is a tragedy- but these were babies. Each one a precious gift from God.  

Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.
(Psalms 127:3-5)

The entire nation is grieving the loss of those victims. And there's one question we're all asking.

Why?

Why children? Why was this young man so troubled? Why didn't someone see the signs?
So many why's. Questions we'll likely never find a suitable answer for this side of heaven. 

 

As a mom, I struggle with mommy-fear a lot. You know that paralyzing, wake up in the middle of the night-sweating-crying-can't breathe kind of fear. 
Days like today magnify those fears. I've talked before about letting go, and keeping open hands. 
I am constantly reminding myself to keep open hands. That Olivia is not mine, but rather His. Trusting that He has is all in control where she is concerned has been one of the most difficult obstacles in my walk with Him. I'm pretty good at letting go of most things and leaving them at the cross. But the whole mommy-control thing is something I'm pretty tight-fisted on. Thank goodness His mercies are new every morning- because so are my fears. 

When I hear of senseless tragedies like the one that took place today in Connecticut, I praise Him for the blessings, and pray that He comes quickly. 
 

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." Revelation 21:3-4

So lets cling to the hope we have in Heaven, and hug our babies extra tight tonight.

i don't want to be superwoman.

{via}

A friend to me one time that she didn't know how I did it all. How I worked full time, maintained our home, took care of our family, nurtured friendships and still made time to sew a pair of ruffle pants for Olivia. She referred to me a "superwoman." I nearly spit my coffee across the room. Seriously? Me, superwoman? I'm a wreck. My planner is so marked, and highlighted that if you tilt it just the right way it looks like a 4 year old scribbled all over it. On any given day I have a list a mile long- that I never seem to get all marked off. I work crazy hours and Chance and my schedules very rarely lead to time off together. Weeks go by with little more than 15 minutes of conversation each day. Orchestrating a family event is very much like an act of congress.

Superwoman I am not. Not even close.

I've felt like I was falling short lately. Way short.
I wasn't being in the moment with Olivia. I was harsh with Chance. Stressing about money, irritable at work, neglectful with friends.  It was really starting to take a toll.

I'm been praying about how overwhelmed I was, and that He would show me where I needed to cut back. What areas of my life needed a little pruning. I kept feeling Him reminding me that none of that matters.
That as long as I was fulfilling His purpose and His plan for me, it didn't matter if Olivia's bow is falling out, or if I had to wash that load of laundry 3 times in a row because I kept forgetting them in there.

He reminded me that I didn't need to "do." I just needed to "be."
That I shouldn't see my worth in my accomplishments, rather through His eyes.
That He is made perfect in my imperfections.
That I should give myself, and others about a hundred times more grace each day.
That Olivia's adorable outfit doesn't matter a hill-of-beans if she doesn't know Jesus died on the cross for her.

I don't want to be seen as a super woman. I want to be seen as a Godly woman. As a light for Him here. I want people to hear Him before they hear me. And I'm never going to stop seeking that.

the one where I pour our my heart in thanks... for social media.

During Olivia's last fever episode I posted this picture on instagram:

Several women commented on the picture, and prayed with us for Olivia. {Thank You.}
As I've said before, the twitter and instagram communities have been good to me. They have loved me well.
One particular commenter was Becky. Such a sweet lady, with a sweeter heart. She left this: "They went to Vanderbilt and she was diagnosed." Hold the phone. There was a momma out there, with a baby with similar conditions, that went to the same hospital we're going to, that.was.diagnosed. A spark of hope. Hope that we won't hear the V-word, virus. That was a huge blessing in and of itself.

As you can see- Becky so sweetly texted her friend, Marisha, to find out what the diagnosis was.
This girl was seriously blessing my heart.
We emailed back and forth a bit, and then she gave me Marisha's email address. My hearts almost burst with gratitude.
I emailed Marisha, her response was simple- she thought it would be easier to explain over the phone. We were finally able to connect last night. Y'all, she is amazing!
She explained her daughter's history, her diagnosis/treatment and a little bit about their experience at Vanderbilt. Hearing her description of her daughter's episodes was like listening to a recording of myself. So surreal. But wonderful to know that I'm not the only mother watching her child go through this. She calmed any anxieties I had, and all but confirmed my suspicion that Olivia does, indeed, have Periodic Fever Syndrome. She told me how wonderful the staff at Vanderbilt Children's Hospital is and how they had (and continue to have) a great experience. Seriously in that 30 minute conversation, she blessed my socks off.

My point in all of this is two-fold:
1. Praise God for this phone call. That has completely re-shaped my outlook on next Thursday. Praise God for Becky, and for Marisha. Two incredibly sweet ladies, who've shown me the love of Jesus in this season.
2. The internet/blogs/twitter/instagram, social media in general, is not just a place to go and chat it up. It's not a time killer, and it's certainly not pointless. God is using these avenues to reach people, and we should be too. Goodness knows that the enemy is. The garbage that's out there is dizzying. It's coming at us from every angle. But that doesn't mean that social media is bad. We can choose how we use this outlet. Because of twitter, instagram, and more specifically- the She Reads Truth devotionals I was brought to these 2 women and through a series of small actions I was given a sense of peace about Olivia's health that I haven't known since last fall. So next time you see a tweet about someone not feeling well, or going through a trial- take time to respond with encouraging words. And when you see someone on the mountain top- praise God with them for His blessings. He is the same God in the valley that He is on the mountain top.

*** HUGE thanks to Becky and Marisha- you two have blessed my heart beyond words, and I love both of you for it.

a letter..

A letter to the child at the store...
From my heart to yours...

Dear Little One,

I want you to know that I see you.
I see your sweet, compassionate nature- underneath the mask of frustration.
It must have been really embarrassing when your mom was yelling at you. I wish she had just taken a moment to listen. My heart was breaking for you.
I heard it too; when your mom said you were 'so annoying' and told you to 'just shut up.' I hope you know that you are so special. And that you have many gifts to give this world. You have worth, you matter.
You are not stupid, annoying or any of the other untruths your mother spewed upon you.
Hearing her speak to you literally caused me pain. Sweet baby, my heart aches for you. It aches for the pain and fear you must live with. I pray for you every night. I pray that you stay strong and sweet through your trials, I pray that you are delivered from them, I pray that if I ever hear something like this again- I stand up and say something, I pray for your momma too. But mostly, I pray that someday you come to know Jesus. Because- He loves you far more and far better than anyone here on Earth could ever hope to. For, all the days were ordained for you were written in His book before one of them came to be. He knows you. He loves you. He has a plan for you. 


I love you,
He loves you more,


The lady that smiled at you, and then cried.

The time I decided I hate a picture of my girl...

As a mom, I take a lot of pictures.
My poor iPhone; it's a good sport. At one point it had over 3,000 pictures. Thank you, Steve Jobs, thank you.
In 2 years I'd wager to say that I've snapped 30,000+ pictures. Oh my.
And I've loved them all. Until yesterday.

Enter this snapshot.

At first, I found it funny. Sent it to no less than 3 people, posted it to facebook, and had a good laugh at how we "had our hands full." It is, however a perfect depiction of our Olivia. The girl will not ride in the car without a 'maz-gine.' She loves magazines. She loves words, something I pray continues into her adolescence and teen years.

Then, while showing the picture to my mother-in-law, something in me shifted. The Lord used this picture to speak to my heart.

At 2, we don't talk a lot about the world's expectations. Sure we tell her she's pretty, smart, sweet, compassionate, precious.... the list could go on for days. But we don't dive into the tough stuff. Thank goodness, because I've got a few things to learn myself before I go imparting any knowledge. But the words on this cover scare me.

Please Lord, keep this garbage out of my sweet girl's heart. I need her to know that she is more than the headlines. More than the homecoming court. More than the head cheerleader. It doesn't matter how 'bikini ready' her belly is, what the labels in her clothes say or how much money she has. I pray that as her mother, my example glorifies Him. That, at a very young age, she understands that she is the daughter of a great King who loves her just the way she is. A Father that created every wonderful thing about her, and loves her to the width and depth of the universe.


"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:14

"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight." 1 Peter 3:3-4

Mama's hug your girls tight.

Denim Day 2012

Few people in my life know that I am a survivor of sexual violence. There- I said it.
I don't talk about it very often. Partly because I don't like to re-visit that time of my life; and partly because I don't feel like it defines me. I've been very blessed in my life to have been surrounded by a few very supportive people who I owe much of my sanity to. These people have shown me the kind of understanding that can only come from Him, and have loved me well. I can honestly say that I have been very lucky to have 'overcome' that period of time. Sure- there are times when I think about it; but I have closure.

Closure is something that I pray all victims of sexual violence attain some day. Sadly, I know first hand that many victims never see the light at the end of that very long and dark tunnel. So, naturally, raising awareness for sexual violence prevention is a cause near and dear to my heart. Wednesday, April 25th, is the 13th Annual Denim Day in LA. Denim Day is a sexual violence prevention and education campaign to increase awareness about sexual violence, prevention and available resources for sexual violence survivors.

Make Someone's Day.

{via}

I believe that we are all put here to help one another through this thing called life. One way I do that is through food; another is words.

Remember the excitement you felt when you were a child and you received mail? I was so thrilled, that I'd be shaking by the time I got the envelope opened. Why can't the joy of 'happy mail' follow us into adulthood? 

I make it a point to send those that I love cards. Sometimes it's for their birthday, sometimes their anniversary, and sometimes its for no reason at all. Those are my favorite cards to send. The one's that come unexpectedly, and {hopefully} bring a smile to the face of the recipient. So when DaySpring gave me the opportunity to review their fabulous cards, I jumped at the opportunity. Yes, the cards were beautiful and well made with just the right words; but I saw them as so much more. These cards gave me the opportunity to bless someone I love. Lots of them have cards in the post man's bag right now! 

I think it's so sad that our society is getting away from card writing. {Does anyone send thank you notes anymore?} It's such a simple and quick way to reach out and show those that we love how much they matter to us. So go check out the 'thinking of you' section over at DaySpring, grab a card and get writing. And for goodness sake, the next time someone does something nice for you.... write.a.thank.you.note!

This too shall pass

I've been vacillating about whether or not to write this post for some time;

And I've got to tell you a big part of me still doesn't want to.

Why? Because it makes me feel like a horrible mother.

But if I can reach even one momma who is going through the same season, and tell her she's not alone, then I have to write it.

Olivia has always been a bit "big for her britches."

Meaning, from very early on we could see that she was ahead of the curve when it came to emotional maturity. She is a very smart, and empathetic child. She has a clear understanding of her emotions and the emotions of those around her. For these things I am truly thankful- I can't wait to see the ways in which the Lord plans to use her sweet heart to reach people. I'm so proud of the little girl she is. 

That being said, as with every other phase, we have met the "terrible two's" early. I hate the name tacked onto this time in a child's life- the "terrible two's." No child is terrible, but sometimes their behavior is down right ugly.

That's where we are. Some days I look at her and wonder where my sweet spirited little girl has gone. Some days in the midst of a 2 hour long scream fest- I just want to cry. She is so head strong and sometimes when we're in the throws of a temper tantrum, I ask myself if this is ever going to stop. Because in that moment it feels as if there is no end to her resolve. And then I remind myself that to everything there is a season, and this too shall pass.

If you find yourself going through a similar time with your little one- I want you to know that you are not alone. I know how frustrating it can be when this little being that you love so much just.won't.stop.screaming. I know the heart break you feel when you don't necessarily like that sweet little tyrant. It's completely normal. There are days that I ask myself what I've gotten into, and question whether or not I'm truly equipped to be a good parent. If you are asking yourself that, let me go ahead and answer that question for you. No, you are not. 

No one person is capable of being the parent they dream of being with out the guidance of the Lord. You could be the PTO president and bake cookies every Saturday with your kids, but if you are not constantly seeking Him- you will always fall short of what you could be. I often realize that the days that I am most frustrated and quick-tongued with Olivia, are the days that I have not taken time to just decompress; time to pray and have time with the Lord. Whenever I find myself getting close to that ever-looming brink, I close my eyes and ask for wisdom, grace and guidance. I want Olivia to look back on her childhood and respect the mother I have been. I want her to see God's grace in my parenting. Because at the end of the day- it's not the spankings and the time outs she'll remember. It's how loved she felt, how nurtured she was and how prepared she is for life as an adult in the 'real' world.

on my heart tonight..

Olivia at 28 weeks.

 Life

is the right of

every child.

Not a

special privilage

for

the fortunate,

the planned,

and the perfect.

I want to pee alone.

 

 {via}

When I first saw this card on Pinterest I thought it was funny.

True- but funny.

Then this morning in the shower {curtain half-open, Olivia throwing things into the shower with me} I thought to myself, "It sure would be nice if I could shower alone."

Then a little voice, aka the Spirit, popped into my head.

"This is life. Here. Now."

Then my thoughts went back to this card.

It's true, I used to want "everything."

But now my definition of "everything" is quite different.

"Everything" used to be a career, a house, etc. Wordly things.

Now "everything" is caring for my family, holding hands with my sweet girl, tender moments at bed time.

I wonder why, to the world, those things are menial.

Why is it that so many people are so focused on the "what" and the "where" that they leave little room in their hearts for the "who.'

I pray I never lose track of the "who" in my life.