5 ways I'm not enough...

I've been reading Hope for the Weary Mom lately. Because lately I've been feeling very worn, and very weary.

Chapter 2 is appropriately titled, "When your weakness is all you can see."
And y'all, lately I've been seeing a lot of weakness.

I haven't been the best version of myself lately.
I've been cranky, and short, and impatient.
As the song says, my heart is heavy from the work it takes to keep on breathing.

I downloaded this book last October when it was free on amazon, but just never got around to starting it. Probably because of the 4,953 other things I did start. I finally started it a few weeks ago during a particularly weary bedtime. 
I hadn't made it very far into the book before I started nodding my head in agreement, and out came the highlighter and the notes-in-the-margins.

One theme that kept speaking to me was that I didn't have to get it all right.
It was OK if Olivia left the house with no bow (gasp.)
It was OK if my family was fed cereal for dinner 2 nights in one week.
It was OK if I failed every now and then.
I don't know about you- but I take great comfort in the knowledge that our Heavenly Father doesn't give a hoot if Olivia's birthday party is perfectly planned, complete with pinterest-worthy photography.
And if I'm being completely honest with myself, neither does Olivia.

Between play dates and pinterest we are surrounded by the delusion that every one is better at everything than we are. (Oh how I hate/love pinterest.)
I'm tired of it all, and I'm ready to wave the proverbial white flag.
I'm ready to say that it's OK to be weak, because in that weakness He is make strong. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

As I read through chapter 2, I felt something begin to shift. Perhaps my arm, raising that flag.
The chapter concluded with study questions. One of them challenged me to list 5 ways that I am not enough. Part of me cringed.
So many answers, but which ones did I want to own up to with pen and paper.
That's so permanent, so "out-there."

I finally talked myself down and clumsily jotted down 5 things.
Each more convicting than the last.

1. I HATE doing dishes. (yes, all-caps/italics/and underlining was necessary)

"That wasn't so bad. I can do this."

2. I loose my temper way to often.

"That stung a little."

3. I don't rely on Him enough.

"Um. I'm getting better, though."

4. I see the 'bad' much more than I see the 'blessings.'

"I should pray about that. (see- better at #3 already!)"

5. I sit in judgment of Chance and his relationship with Olivia.

"I think I've been sucker punched in the gut."

I'm pretty sure that last one is the one He really wanted me to see in print. Though they are all true, and are all sin, and all require repentance. 
I've since found myself recognizing short-comings in a different light.
Recognizing and admitting these things daily.
Praying about them and reminding myself that it's OK to not be a perfect mix of Martha Stewart and Beth Moore.
I can just be Sarah.
Flawed, but loved by her Creator.

today.

today my heart is heavy.

today a woman I went to high school with is laying her baby to rest.

today they are celebrating his life.
today they are mourning their loss.
today they are clinging to the promise of heaven.

today I can't help but think of all the 'what-ifs'.

what if Olivia wasn't diagnosed with PFAPA?
what if it had been cancer?
what if she weren't here tomorrow?

would she know, really know how special she is?
would she know how deep and far and wide my love for her runs?
how funny she is, how sweet, how precious, how inspriring.
would she have been proud of the momma I had been?
how would I face tomorrow?


in today's She Reads Truth devotional we read about when the Lord came to Moses and told him to stand before the king of Egypt and order him to release God's people from captivity. Moses was not a fantastic public speaker. The Lord asks him "Who made a person's mouth?" He goes on to tell Moses to go speak, and He will give him the words to speak. I think today is a good time to remind myself that no matter how difficult the day may look- the Lord will give me just the strength to get through it all. No matter how insurmountable, there isn't anything that God can't accomplish through my mouth, hands, feet or mind.

today I'm praying that when the day seems out-of-control I look to Him.
today I'm praying for a momma-heart that is breaking as she says good-bye, for now. 
today I'm praying that my thoughts, actions, and words reflect my love for Him. And her.
today I'm praising Him for yesterday, and today, and if its His will- tomorrow with her and Him.

Less us..

My momma-heart is proud today.

Olivia is growing and learning so fast.

With every passing day she teaches me something new. Showing me daily, the precious and sweet things of life. Singing in the grocery store, witnessing to my brother-in-law, saying grace over our Christmas dinner.

Most days are precious and filled with hugs and tippy-toe turns. Tea parties with sweet, stuffed friends. Watching her take care of her babies, making sure each one is perfectly wrapped in their blanket.

Some days are tough; after all she is a toddler. And a head strong one at that. I couldn't begin to count the number of temper tantrums, or cries of frustration. (From her and me, let's be honest)

But I am uniquely blessed to be this child's mother. 

When I was pregnant I wondered what kind of child she would be.

I wondered how she would change our family...  How she would change me.

I prayed over my belly- that He would use her and that her spirit would shine brightly for Him.

 

As she has grown to be the person she is today, three things are abundantly clear.

1. I love her in an insane, unfathomable, indescribable way.

2. She is not mine. She is the daughter of a great Father, who loves her far better and far more than I ever could.

3. She is watching me, in every way.

I saw something once that said "our children become who we are, so strive to be the person you want them to be." That may not be the exact quote- but you get the point. I pray that when Olivia looks at my life 5, 10, 15 years from now she'll see a woman of dignity, of grace.

A woman who loved the Lord first, her husband second, and her daughter more than she could ever put into words.

I pray that the legacy I'm leaving will inspire her. That she would see the "why's" behind every decision. That she would respect the wife, mother, sister, daughter, and friend I am.

I live each day in prayer that He is molding me to be the best version of myself. For her.

This world is an ugly, broken place- and these babies we're pouring ourselves into; they all too soon will be watching it all unfold.

Friends I think if there's one thing we can all agree on it's that we want the best for them.

We want them to be happy, and healthy.

There are countless books written that will tell you how to be the best mother, the toughest mother, the fill-in-the-blank mother; and they're all filled with advise from well-meaning authors.

I've even read a few of them. Well, I read a few chapters anyway.

But I think the most important thing that we can do for these precious souls is to be who we were created to be.

To be honorable, and humble. Help little old ladies, and wash your hands.

Be true, and a great friend. Be more worried about who is sitting next to you than what you're wearing. Read the Word of God, and don't just see the words, but live it too.

Because, sweet friend, they see us, in every moment.

Let's make sure they see more Him and less us.

stream of thought...

I sat down tonight to write a post about Olivia; filled to the brim with precious new pictures, and sweet sentiments. But that's just not what God had planned for me tonight. 

Y'all, my heart is heavy. I'm sure your's is too. 
I spent the afternoon at a photo shoot with Olivia, so I didn't hear the new until much later in the afternoon. I sat in the dance studio lobby, watching Olivia on the viewing monitor & listening to my mother-in-law reading the articles. 

With every sad detail the pit in my stomach got heavier. When she said "kindergarteners," I honestly thought I might be sick. Any act of violence is a tragedy- but these were babies. Each one a precious gift from God.  

Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.
(Psalms 127:3-5)

The entire nation is grieving the loss of those victims. And there's one question we're all asking.

Why?

Why children? Why was this young man so troubled? Why didn't someone see the signs?
So many why's. Questions we'll likely never find a suitable answer for this side of heaven. 

 

As a mom, I struggle with mommy-fear a lot. You know that paralyzing, wake up in the middle of the night-sweating-crying-can't breathe kind of fear. 
Days like today magnify those fears. I've talked before about letting go, and keeping open hands. 
I am constantly reminding myself to keep open hands. That Olivia is not mine, but rather His. Trusting that He has is all in control where she is concerned has been one of the most difficult obstacles in my walk with Him. I'm pretty good at letting go of most things and leaving them at the cross. But the whole mommy-control thing is something I'm pretty tight-fisted on. Thank goodness His mercies are new every morning- because so are my fears. 

When I hear of senseless tragedies like the one that took place today in Connecticut, I praise Him for the blessings, and pray that He comes quickly. 
 

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." Revelation 21:3-4

So lets cling to the hope we have in Heaven, and hug our babies extra tight tonight.

Two and a Half

Hold her a little longer

Rock her a little more

Tell her another story

(You've only told her four)

Let her sleep on your shoulder

Rejoice in her happy smile

She's only two and a half

For such a little while!

Happy Half Birthday, sweet girl. I love you more than words could ever express. You complete my world and make me a better person. Thank you for being you.   Love always, Mommy.

letting go.

Y'all. I'm a hot mess.
This post may be a bit of a ramble, and if it is - I'm sorry; I've just got to get all these words out of my head.

Olivia starts day care on Friday.
No big deal right? Wrong.
Olivia has never been cared for by any one but me, her daddy, a grandparent or the church nursery.
My palms are getting sweaty.

Here are my worries. In list form because lists make type A people happy, and I can't form coherent thoughts, much less sentences.

• My Olivia, she's a delicate thing with a sensitive heart. How can I be sure that her teachers and class-mates will be sweet to her?
• Weighing in at a whopping 24lbs. at 28 months- she's TINY. Like, can still wear dresses that are size 9 months, tiny. She barely weighs enough to sit in a front-facing car seat. These 'normal' kids are going to trample her. 
• She's an only child. What if she's the bully?
• Olivia has recurring fevers, that require close monitoring of her body temperature and swift action in the event of a fever. Will they monitor her fevers the way we do?
• We just learned that she has a milk intolerance; and the child seriously loves milk. Will they make sure she doesn't drink milk? (a post on that soon)
• Is she ready for this? Am I?

 I should add that this facility came with a glowing recommendation from a good friend who I trust completely. Also, during our visit to the facility Olivia played well and seemed to have a perfectly lovely time; she loved the teachers. I'm clearly not sending my child to the wolves. I know that. But in her 2 years, she's had some hard times. And I've held very close because of that. I've been what one might call over-protective. I'm not ashamed of that fact, and I never will be. Olivia is an articulate, funny and compassionate child. But my momma-heart can't help but worry.
 
My stomach is in knots. I keep praying and trying to give it over to God. I keep reminding myself to have open hands. After all she's not mine, she's His. And He loves her far more and far better than I could ever hope to. But, goodness is that ever hard to do. I just finished my second devotional study with the She Reads Truth ladies. This study was called Living the Surrendered Life. I'm trying so hard to surrender my fears for Olivia's safety and health.

She calls me Momma

  

I play many roles in my life.
I wear a lot of hats, and it's easy to get caught up in it all.
I'm a believer, wife, daughter, sister, cousin, aunt, niece, grand-daughter, daughter-in-law, sister-in-law, friend, co-worker... I'm sure I'm leaving some out.

But to this girl, I'm simply 'Momma.'
To this girl, it doesn't matter what happened during my day or how long my to do list is.  It doesn't matter what the weather is like, or what side of the bed I got up on.

She's quick to flash a smile. And even quicker to give a hug. She is the kind of person I dreamed she would be. Compassionate, sweet of spirit, loving, joyful, and full of life. When I was pregnant I prayed that the Lord would use her to bring Him glory. And let me tell you, if her little personality is any indication- He's going to use her in big ways. There's something special about that girl, almost electric.

She reminds us to slow down. To take a moment to enjoy the moments we are blessed with, to savor them. It's easy to get caught up in the hustle of everyday life- the grown up stuff and yet, somehow, her tiny hands manage to wrangle our hearts. 



Daily, I am reminded by her how preciously fleeting life is. I swear it was just yesterday I snapped this picture on our front lawn. She was only a couple of weeks old, the picture above {where she's sitting on the blanket} was taken in the exact same spot. Somehow almost 28 months have slipped by. My heart can barely believe it's true. But as I check and re-check my calendar I can see that it's true. In the checking off of lists, we have missed out on moments. Not anymore. I want her to be as inspired by my life as I am by hers; and I pray that she continues to reminds us to stop. To hold her hand as she walks, instead of picking her up and walking- even if it takes so much longer. Because the hand holding only last so long, and the sweet moments on the front lawn will turn to preschool graduation photos and {Lord help me} someday I'll be taking pictures at her high school graduation. I pray we don't loose a moment.

10 ways to really love a momma...

Recently a dispute began between a close relative and myself.
I'm not happy about my part in it, but in my heart I know that I did what was in the best interest of my baby girl, and my family.  Nonetheless, the whole thing got me thinking of the ways someone (who does or doesn't have children themselves) can love a momma of small children. I think this should be in memo form, handed out to all who visit a friend or loved one in the postpartum wing. It should also be in made into a brochure and put in those little acrylic stands in the waiting room.

10 Ways to Really Love a Momma:

1. If you think about her text, tweet or instagram her. It might be just the encouragement she needs in the middle of a particularly difficult day. The other day when Olivia was sick, I was blessed beyond words by some women I'd never even met through their words of encouragement on instagram. They truly touched my heart.
2. Show her grace. If she can't meet you for lunch, cut her some slack. It's probably not because you aren't important to her- her babies are just more important. As a mom and wife, I dedicate my energy to my girl and my husband. If, after I have met all their needs, there is some Sarah left over- then and only then can I take time and energy from them. Sorry if that makes you mad some day. 
3. Make her a casserole; show up with coffee. This one's pretty simple. Sometimes a Momma is tired, and the last thing we want to do is cook.
4. Lend an ear.  Mommas are not immune to needing to talk; if anything we may need to do it more often. Letting your momma-friend talk to you and showing genuine care and concern for her will mean more than you can imagine.
5. Be kind. She's probably not feeling great about herself after having that baby. she may even have vomit in her hair with that sick toddler. (Heaven knows, I was a wreck this past week.) Compliment her anyway.
6. Offer to babysit. Again, pretty simple. Mommas a time out too.
7. Make an effort. If you want to see her, call her up and see if she's available. As a mom I find it hard to carve out time for myself to spend out of the house. 
8. Tell her you love her. When you become a mom your reality shifts. How you relate to people changes. It's important for her to know that you still love her.
9. Love her babies. Notice the little things, talk to them too, hug them. The quickest way to warm a Momma-heart is through her babies.
10. Pray for her and with her. That's all.

A Rant.

I had planned to right a cute little post tonight about Olivia's first swim of the year and share some adorable pictures. And then I got a text message that changed my frame of mind completely.

A very dear friend was faced with a life altering decision. Without going into too many details; my friend was asked by a very close relative to adopt said relatives unborn child. My sweet friend has been trying to conceive for some time and is feeling very torn right now. Adopting the child would prevent the child growing up in what would likely be a difficult childhood. Much like hers. She has dedicated her life to improving the lives of children. Making this all the more troublesome. On the flip side. Odds are, if she agreed to adopt- the relative would decide to back out, either before or after birth. Then I got the text that broke my heart. "...Sarah... whats wrong with me? Why hasn't God blessed me yet?..." To say I lost it is an understatement. 

I can't help being a little frustrated by this. OK, I'm more than a little frustrated. I'm heart broken for my friend. For all mother's suffering with infertility.  I have a difficult time coping with the truth that some are given the blessing of raising a child, when others are not. Other's that want so badly to be mothers, others that would make incredible mothers. I know so many. I'm sure you do too.

I pray this verse over those women tonight; "For the vision is yet for an appointed time…though it tarry, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry.”  Habakkuk 2:3

If I could sit these women down across the breakfast table over two cups of coffee, I would hold their hand and remind them that they were created by a God that has a plan for us all. Plans to prosper. And that His "Not now" is not necessarily "No."
And for those of us who have been so incredibly blessed to have been entrusted with these babies- never forget how blessed you are. Hug them a little tighter. Our time with them is but a moment in forever.

Motherhood

{via}

Happy Mother's Day, friends.

Identity

Olivia,

I pray many things over your little body in those sweet bedtime moments. I pray that the kids you'll go to school with will be nice to you, I pray that the fevers continue their absence, I pray that you'll do great things in the name of Christ- but my most constant prayer is that you will find your true identity in Him. The person He created you to be. Never compromise your beliefs for anyone. And surround yourself with only those who support you, your faith, and your dreams. Because, my sweet girl, you were 'fearfully and wonderfully made;' the Lord instilled in you many wonderful gifts. I can't wait to watch Him work in you.

Love you always,

Momma

Things I want to teach Olivia.

{sorry about the way old picture, but it's still one of my favorites.}

That she MATTERS.

The only real rewards in life are intrinsic.

To be grateful.

To do unto others...

Happiness is a choice.

I love her- NO MATTER WHAT.

All feelings are ok.

I'm worthy of her trust.

Mistakes are ok.

If at first you don't succeed...

Saying no is ok.

To be kind.

Many thanks to this inspiring blog for this list.

Read the post on intentional parenting here. Ah-may-zing.

730 days..

63,072,000 seconds..
1,051,200 minutes..
17,520 hours..
104 weeks ago my world changed.
In an instant my view of the world shifted.


It's difficult for me, sometimes, the realization that it was only 2 years ago that she joined our family. I can't remember a time when we didn't love her.


This week we celebrate her.

Tired.

I.am.so.tired.

Going back to work has left me with little energy;

and whatever energy I was able to summon was gone the minute I stepped through the front door.

Olivia has been fighting off a cold {I think} for about a week now. She developed a fever last night while she was staying the night with my mom.

I called Chance on my way home and I could hear that sweet girl crying for me in the background.

That, for me, is the most heartbreaking thing about going back to work.

I so enjoyed my time at home with her {and truly have enjoyed being back at work}

but when I hear her cry for me, it's so hard to remember all the reasons I went back to work to begin with.

So that's where I am.

Stuck between utter exhaustion

and heartbreak.

Searching for a happy medium for everyone.

This too shall pass

I've been vacillating about whether or not to write this post for some time;

And I've got to tell you a big part of me still doesn't want to.

Why? Because it makes me feel like a horrible mother.

But if I can reach even one momma who is going through the same season, and tell her she's not alone, then I have to write it.

Olivia has always been a bit "big for her britches."

Meaning, from very early on we could see that she was ahead of the curve when it came to emotional maturity. She is a very smart, and empathetic child. She has a clear understanding of her emotions and the emotions of those around her. For these things I am truly thankful- I can't wait to see the ways in which the Lord plans to use her sweet heart to reach people. I'm so proud of the little girl she is. 

That being said, as with every other phase, we have met the "terrible two's" early. I hate the name tacked onto this time in a child's life- the "terrible two's." No child is terrible, but sometimes their behavior is down right ugly.

That's where we are. Some days I look at her and wonder where my sweet spirited little girl has gone. Some days in the midst of a 2 hour long scream fest- I just want to cry. She is so head strong and sometimes when we're in the throws of a temper tantrum, I ask myself if this is ever going to stop. Because in that moment it feels as if there is no end to her resolve. And then I remind myself that to everything there is a season, and this too shall pass.

If you find yourself going through a similar time with your little one- I want you to know that you are not alone. I know how frustrating it can be when this little being that you love so much just.won't.stop.screaming. I know the heart break you feel when you don't necessarily like that sweet little tyrant. It's completely normal. There are days that I ask myself what I've gotten into, and question whether or not I'm truly equipped to be a good parent. If you are asking yourself that, let me go ahead and answer that question for you. No, you are not. 

No one person is capable of being the parent they dream of being with out the guidance of the Lord. You could be the PTO president and bake cookies every Saturday with your kids, but if you are not constantly seeking Him- you will always fall short of what you could be. I often realize that the days that I am most frustrated and quick-tongued with Olivia, are the days that I have not taken time to just decompress; time to pray and have time with the Lord. Whenever I find myself getting close to that ever-looming brink, I close my eyes and ask for wisdom, grace and guidance. I want Olivia to look back on her childhood and respect the mother I have been. I want her to see God's grace in my parenting. Because at the end of the day- it's not the spankings and the time outs she'll remember. It's how loved she felt, how nurtured she was and how prepared she is for life as an adult in the 'real' world.

on my heart tonight..

Olivia at 28 weeks.

 Life

is the right of

every child.

Not a

special privilage

for

the fortunate,

the planned,

and the perfect.

Sweet like sugar..

This post is filled with random pictures that don't really fit into any other post- but too cute not to share..

There is just something magical about being a little girl. I've always said that I was so grateful to the Lord that He chose me to be Olivia's momma. She is such a special child, with such a sweet soul. I love getting to share in tender moments like the ones in these pictures- dress up days, tea parties and silly faces are certainly the sweet spots that get you through the tough ones. But what I most look forward to as Olivia's momma is watching as she grows "into her own." I know that the Lord has wonderful things planned for her, and I can't wait to see how he uses her sweet, strong nature to bring Him glory!

I want to pee alone.

 

 {via}

When I first saw this card on Pinterest I thought it was funny.

True- but funny.

Then this morning in the shower {curtain half-open, Olivia throwing things into the shower with me} I thought to myself, "It sure would be nice if I could shower alone."

Then a little voice, aka the Spirit, popped into my head.

"This is life. Here. Now."

Then my thoughts went back to this card.

It's true, I used to want "everything."

But now my definition of "everything" is quite different.

"Everything" used to be a career, a house, etc. Wordly things.

Now "everything" is caring for my family, holding hands with my sweet girl, tender moments at bed time.

I wonder why, to the world, those things are menial.

Why is it that so many people are so focused on the "what" and the "where" that they leave little room in their hearts for the "who.'

I pray I never lose track of the "who" in my life.