5 ways I'm not enough...

I've been reading Hope for the Weary Mom lately. Because lately I've been feeling very worn, and very weary.

Chapter 2 is appropriately titled, "When your weakness is all you can see."
And y'all, lately I've been seeing a lot of weakness.

I haven't been the best version of myself lately.
I've been cranky, and short, and impatient.
As the song says, my heart is heavy from the work it takes to keep on breathing.

I downloaded this book last October when it was free on amazon, but just never got around to starting it. Probably because of the 4,953 other things I did start. I finally started it a few weeks ago during a particularly weary bedtime. 
I hadn't made it very far into the book before I started nodding my head in agreement, and out came the highlighter and the notes-in-the-margins.

One theme that kept speaking to me was that I didn't have to get it all right.
It was OK if Olivia left the house with no bow (gasp.)
It was OK if my family was fed cereal for dinner 2 nights in one week.
It was OK if I failed every now and then.
I don't know about you- but I take great comfort in the knowledge that our Heavenly Father doesn't give a hoot if Olivia's birthday party is perfectly planned, complete with pinterest-worthy photography.
And if I'm being completely honest with myself, neither does Olivia.

Between play dates and pinterest we are surrounded by the delusion that every one is better at everything than we are. (Oh how I hate/love pinterest.)
I'm tired of it all, and I'm ready to wave the proverbial white flag.
I'm ready to say that it's OK to be weak, because in that weakness He is make strong. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

As I read through chapter 2, I felt something begin to shift. Perhaps my arm, raising that flag.
The chapter concluded with study questions. One of them challenged me to list 5 ways that I am not enough. Part of me cringed.
So many answers, but which ones did I want to own up to with pen and paper.
That's so permanent, so "out-there."

I finally talked myself down and clumsily jotted down 5 things.
Each more convicting than the last.

1. I HATE doing dishes. (yes, all-caps/italics/and underlining was necessary)

"That wasn't so bad. I can do this."

2. I loose my temper way to often.

"That stung a little."

3. I don't rely on Him enough.

"Um. I'm getting better, though."

4. I see the 'bad' much more than I see the 'blessings.'

"I should pray about that. (see- better at #3 already!)"

5. I sit in judgment of Chance and his relationship with Olivia.

"I think I've been sucker punched in the gut."

I'm pretty sure that last one is the one He really wanted me to see in print. Though they are all true, and are all sin, and all require repentance. 
I've since found myself recognizing short-comings in a different light.
Recognizing and admitting these things daily.
Praying about them and reminding myself that it's OK to not be a perfect mix of Martha Stewart and Beth Moore.
I can just be Sarah.
Flawed, but loved by her Creator.

today.

today my heart is heavy.

today a woman I went to high school with is laying her baby to rest.

today they are celebrating his life.
today they are mourning their loss.
today they are clinging to the promise of heaven.

today I can't help but think of all the 'what-ifs'.

what if Olivia wasn't diagnosed with PFAPA?
what if it had been cancer?
what if she weren't here tomorrow?

would she know, really know how special she is?
would she know how deep and far and wide my love for her runs?
how funny she is, how sweet, how precious, how inspriring.
would she have been proud of the momma I had been?
how would I face tomorrow?


in today's She Reads Truth devotional we read about when the Lord came to Moses and told him to stand before the king of Egypt and order him to release God's people from captivity. Moses was not a fantastic public speaker. The Lord asks him "Who made a person's mouth?" He goes on to tell Moses to go speak, and He will give him the words to speak. I think today is a good time to remind myself that no matter how difficult the day may look- the Lord will give me just the strength to get through it all. No matter how insurmountable, there isn't anything that God can't accomplish through my mouth, hands, feet or mind.

today I'm praying that when the day seems out-of-control I look to Him.
today I'm praying for a momma-heart that is breaking as she says good-bye, for now. 
today I'm praying that my thoughts, actions, and words reflect my love for Him. And her.
today I'm praising Him for yesterday, and today, and if its His will- tomorrow with her and Him.

brides, brothers and God.

Last Saturday began normal, uneventful.
Wake, shower, leave for work, morning meeting, appointments.

The same thing I do every Saturday.
That's where my day departed from routine.
I had two bridal appointments and a bridal party getting fitted when I noticed one of my brides from last fall looking at the flower girl dresses.
I called over to her, "Sunni, you doing alright sweetie?"
She looked as if she had something she wanted to ask, so I excused myself from my appointments to check on her. Once I reached her I could see that she had her fiance with her. She said that she had someone she wanted me to meet, and that she had a crazy story to tell me...

Sunni: "I have someone I want you to meet, this is a crazy story. This is Cody. (points to her fiance)"
I introduce myself and greet him with a simple "nice to meet you."
Cody: "What is your dad's name?"
Me: "My biological father?"
Cody: "Yeah, your biological father."
Me: "His name is Kenneth Barnett, he goes by Butch."
Cody: (grinning) "I'm your brother."

I look to Sunni, she's smiling and nodding. I look back to Cody. I really look at him, and I know that it's true. He looks so much like our father. Instantly I feel connected to a human that I've known only for about 30 seconds.

They go on to explain that Cody's mom and our dad dated just after high school and ended up conceiving a child. Him. But Cody and our father didn't meet until 2 years ago.

As for how they discovered that I was in fact Cody's sister, that's an even crazier story.
At Sunni's initial appointment last year I "happened" to be the consultant available to help her. She's funny and charismatic, we had a good time during her appointment. We found her gown, finalized her look and did all the paperwork.
I remember thinking, "She's such a doll."
At the end of her appointment she and her mother, Janet, asked if I would mind to take a picture with Sunni to commemorate the day. This is rare, but does happen, so I smiled and said "of course!"

Later that week they were at a church function, where they "happen" to attend with my father. Janet and he were discussing the fact that Sunni had found her gown and that she got it from the salon I work at. My father, knowing I work there, asked her what the consultant's name was. Janet showed him the picture that we "happened" to take at the end of Sunni's appointment.

Seeing a trend here?
All of these events "happened" to fall into place, ensuring that I would in the end meet the older brother I didn't know I had.
But we know that nothing just "happens." The Lord's hand is evident in every turn of this story.
He makes all things work together for our good.

an un-resolution resolution

All this fuss over new year's resolutions has me thinking, do we have to do everything?
Do I have to do everything?
These questions have been heavy on my heart lately.

I'm a do-er by nature.
A non-stop work full-time, do the laundry, cook the dinner, rock the baby.... do-it-all-er.
Problem?

I'm coming to find that I can do all of these things- but it's hard to do all of them whole-heartedly.
To quote a very smart woman "the Lord really wants me to do a few things well, instead of a lot of things without heart or passion."

In reflection I'm finding that I've been doing many things without the heart or passion that is deserved.
And this unintentional neglect has left many relationships running a little ragged and my laundry pile higher than I care to admit.

As a daughter of Christ my highest calling is to live by Him, yet I find that I'm increasingly guilty of living by my to-do list. Sitting here in my bed I count no less than 12 books within reach about "being a good mother," about "doing it right." There's a planner on my nightstand filled to the brim with appointments and obligations.

There's also a picture from last Easter of my sweet little family. An ever-present reminder of what I'm called to do best. Of who He has called me to love well.

This year I'm not making resolutions. Sure, I want to be healthy. I'd love to nail down a laundry system that really works for our family.  And I'd probably throw a party if I got Olivia to sleep in her bed through the night on a consistent basis. But what I want most is to wait, listen and follow. Not 3 things that I always do well.
I want to hush the lists, and uncertainty. To follow the Voice in my heart calling me to be who He has designed me to be. Because I'm pretty sure He's not going to be too worried about my to do list when I stand before Him. And I don't want to fall short on the things He has called me to.

my journey to influence.

So, I'm going to the Influence Conference in Indianapolis. I could not be more excited, or feel more blessed. This has been something the Lord put on my heart in the spring, but never really looked like a possibility- until Thursday. That's when the Lord moved, and moved fast. 

Spring 2012: I was reading Casey's blog and first read about the conference. I was immediately interested and wished I could go. I prayed about it a few times and told myself & the Lord that if I was supposed to be there, I'd be there. All the while having absolutely no idea how it would all happen, given the cost involved.
April 28, 2012: Attended a in(RL) meet up hosted by Angie, Jessica and Annie. It was a huge step out of my comfort zone, so I dragged my best friend Maria along. We both left happy. I left with a feeling that maybe, just maybe I could do this whole 'community' thing after all.
May 2012: I created a twitter account, and though it felt very creeper-ish at first- I began to seek community. Also in May I started the Soul Detox bible study and followed along with the She Reads Truth community.
Summer 2012: Life caught up with us, Olivia kept having the fevers, my best friend was going through a really tough time. Life was busy. But I still felt that push, the gentle nudge to continue to be intentional in my online friendships. I was blessed to be able participate in the She Reads Truth community in a more involved manner, and began maintaining the instagram feed. Olivia was diagnosed, she started school, and dance. Life was busy still. Yet, these connections kept popping up. I continued to pray that if the Lord wanted me to attend this conference that He would show me a way.
Early September 2012: Two girls that I had "met" had been very faithful in checking in with me about the conference. We all felt like I was supposed to be there. They had been holding the 4th spot in their room for me, so sweetly. Eventually, we had to face the reality that the money simply was not there. I had attempted to raise the money for the costs several times. And even almost had my ticket paid for once, but something always came up. at one point I said I would "need a miracle." I told the girls to let someone else take my spot that "2012 was just not the year, but that I'd be there in 2013!" To say I was disappointed would be an understatement.

That brings us to last Wednesday night. On my way home from work I couldn't stop thinking about the conference and this community. I cried as I drove. And as I walked into the garage, I prayed to the Lord- "Father, I don't know why my heart wont let this go. I feel like I'm supposed to be there. Lord, if it is your will for me to go- you're going to have to make it happen. I can't. If this isn't the year, please just take the desire from my heart." And that was it. I went upstairs, put Olivia to bed and then went to sleep myself. He started moving, and He moved big!

Thursday:
9:38am- I was sitting in the drop off line at Olivia's school. Something made me pick up my phone and look at twitter. I saw Jessi's tweet about some scholarships that were available. I had instant hope. Maybe this would happen after all. I sat in the parking lot, hands shaking as I typed "Oh Jessi, this is truly an answer to prayer! I've been dying to come to influence but there's simply no way we can afford it."
Again I prayed that the Lord would show me if this was truly what He wanted for me.
10:04am- DM'd Ashley on twitter to tell her I was coming. Joined the Influence facebook page. Posted that I was looking for room-mates. I tried very hard not to let the logistics and cost of hotel/travel get me down. Still praying.
Noon- Started posting Olivia's old clothes and toys on a local classifieds page. Things start selling.
1:13pm- Ashley texts me saying that she and Brittany would like for me to be their 5th roomie. The cost of my hotel stay was cut to a fraction of the original price.
2:25pm- I'd sold $45 of Olivia's old things. In 2 hours my ticket was almost halfway paid for. Truly a miracle. I talked to my mom about borrowing her van so that I could drive to Indy, as airfare was looking like it might cost about $500.00. She said it was obvious that the Lord wanted me at this conference and that we'd figure it out.
3:00pm- I left for work and literally cried the whole way there. I was completely overwhelmed by God's grace and goodness.
9:30pm- Got home from work, still trying to figure out the money aspect. But certain that the Lord had made His intent clear. Checked facebook, $40.00 more had sold. All but $15 of my ticket= paid. Went to bed praising Him!
Friday:
8:15am- Woke up to a tweet from Lena, inviting me to carpool with her and 2 other lovelies from Nashville. Instant tears. Rebecca responds that she lives in Murray (30 min. away), and that I can ride with her to meet the others in Nashville. Uncontrollable sobs. Y'all He is good, so so very good.
around 9:00am- Checked facebook. Ticket, travel and hotel are all paid for.

In 24 hours. Less than that really. I was speechless, smiling uncontrollably- but speechless.

I had sold a pair of pajama's and 2 shirts to a girl for $4, we'll call her Jane. I arranged to deliver various items to people throughout the day Friday. I delivered her items, and thanked her for her part in getting me to this conference. After a long day of deliveries, Olivia and I went home to get ready for dance. A quick phone call to Ashley about all this awesomeness. Still in complete shock. One more check of facebook. Jane had requested 2 more items. Again, her total was $4. We arranged a time that worked for both of us to make the transaction. Then Olivia and I left for dance. We got home around 7:30 and I did another quick check of facebook. Jane had sent me a private message saying that she had miscounted her money and that she didn't have to money to buy the items because she still had to buy diapers for her daughter. My heart broke for her. She said she really wanted those pj's; I told her that I would be happy to hold the items for her until she could get them. Instantly the Lord spoke to me. He told me I should give her the items. I went to sleep that night thinking of her. And remembering times when we struggled and were blessed beyond measure by someone else. I knew what I had to do. I woke up early on Saturday morning and got ready for work. I thought about Jane all day long. My heart was just so heavy for her. When I was driving home I prayed for her and her circumstances. As I rocked Olivia to sleep the Lord told me that I wasn't done with her just yet. I needed to buy those diapers for her. There was no doubt. I had to do it. I went to sleep again, thinking of her, the conference & His goodness. I woke up around midnight and could not go back to sleep. Finally, around 3am I got out of bed. I had to get the thoughts out of my head. I sat down to write a little note to accompany the little care package. I can't remember exactly what I set out to write. All I know is that as soon as I sat down to write all I could think about was purpose behind Influence. Making much of Him. This was what it was all about. MY influence. I had the opportunity to be a light for Him in this moment. This was my chance to use my influence in life to show someone Christ's love. Amazing. I bought the diapers ($9.97) and delivered the diapers, pj's, toy, a pack of wipes and my heart for her in that note. I had told one of the girls at work about this situation and how my heart was broken for her, then I told her about my morning delivery and that I hoped it gave Jane some encouragement. Not 10 minutes later a customer walked in and bought a preservation kit from me. An automatic $10.00 spiff onto my paycheck. See what He did there. Chance and I didn't really have the money to buy someone else's child diapers, but I did it anyway. And He provided, as He always does.

So it all came full circle. A dream turned to reality, a need turned to a blessing, all for His glory.

A Rant.

I had planned to right a cute little post tonight about Olivia's first swim of the year and share some adorable pictures. And then I got a text message that changed my frame of mind completely.

A very dear friend was faced with a life altering decision. Without going into too many details; my friend was asked by a very close relative to adopt said relatives unborn child. My sweet friend has been trying to conceive for some time and is feeling very torn right now. Adopting the child would prevent the child growing up in what would likely be a difficult childhood. Much like hers. She has dedicated her life to improving the lives of children. Making this all the more troublesome. On the flip side. Odds are, if she agreed to adopt- the relative would decide to back out, either before or after birth. Then I got the text that broke my heart. "...Sarah... whats wrong with me? Why hasn't God blessed me yet?..." To say I lost it is an understatement. 

I can't help being a little frustrated by this. OK, I'm more than a little frustrated. I'm heart broken for my friend. For all mother's suffering with infertility.  I have a difficult time coping with the truth that some are given the blessing of raising a child, when others are not. Other's that want so badly to be mothers, others that would make incredible mothers. I know so many. I'm sure you do too.

I pray this verse over those women tonight; "For the vision is yet for an appointed time…though it tarry, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry.”  Habakkuk 2:3

If I could sit these women down across the breakfast table over two cups of coffee, I would hold their hand and remind them that they were created by a God that has a plan for us all. Plans to prosper. And that His "Not now" is not necessarily "No."
And for those of us who have been so incredibly blessed to have been entrusted with these babies- never forget how blessed you are. Hug them a little tighter. Our time with them is but a moment in forever.

a few things.

{I should note that most of the pictures, if not all of them are repeats from my instagram feed. So if you follow that too- these will be repeats. But let's be real here, what are the odds that the someone follows both my blog and my instagram feed?!}

Liv and I are trying something new, I think they call it exercise. I stole scored this jogging stroller at a yard sale for $15. We've laced up our walkin' shoes a few times. I'm hoping to get more routine with it. Momma's got some work to do.

I more than love my new coffee up that was given away at the (in)RL meet up I attended in Nashville. It can be found here. Seriously, this would make a wonderful mom day gift.

Summer has arrived here in western KY and this little lady is loving it. We have been soaking up as much sun as possible, and making some exciting plans with friends for the next few weeks. {She also loves strawberries.}

I almost don't want to post this, for fear of jinxing it. But I know that it could give hope to someone else struggling in this area. Olivia, who used to co-sleep with us, has slept in her big girl bed every night for a month. As with everything else in her life. She transitioned when she was ready to. So thankful that she has such a strong spirit.

Liv is loving her new swing. It's quite the up-grade from the "baby swing" that we bought her for her half birthday. We attached it under the arbor in the back yard. I see hours of pushing and many "wee's" in our future.

This girl is becoming more and more independent by the day. On this particular day she insisted on wearing this bow. The regular pink bow? It simply would not do.

In true form, it's taking me far to long to finish this book. I promise it's not for lack of interest. Because, let me tell you sister,  it is awesome. It has truly been a blessing to me, and Olivia apparently.

This picture reminds me how thankful I am that our Heavenly Father provided Olivia with an Earthly Daddy that loves her, and loves her well. They have the sweetest bond.

We sang "How Marvelous" during our worship at church this morning. What a beautiful song. It reminds me of my great-grandmother, Granny B. That woman is singing in the angel choir, I know it.
Praising the One who makes all things possible; that he has blessed us beyond measure. My cup runneth over.

Denim Day 2012

Few people in my life know that I am a survivor of sexual violence. There- I said it.
I don't talk about it very often. Partly because I don't like to re-visit that time of my life; and partly because I don't feel like it defines me. I've been very blessed in my life to have been surrounded by a few very supportive people who I owe much of my sanity to. These people have shown me the kind of understanding that can only come from Him, and have loved me well. I can honestly say that I have been very lucky to have 'overcome' that period of time. Sure- there are times when I think about it; but I have closure.

Closure is something that I pray all victims of sexual violence attain some day. Sadly, I know first hand that many victims never see the light at the end of that very long and dark tunnel. So, naturally, raising awareness for sexual violence prevention is a cause near and dear to my heart. Wednesday, April 25th, is the 13th Annual Denim Day in LA. Denim Day is a sexual violence prevention and education campaign to increase awareness about sexual violence, prevention and available resources for sexual violence survivors.

We have a choice.

I have shared very little about my life before I became an adult. Mainly because it's just not something I usually talk about. A good portion of my childhood was, for all intents and purposes, happy. There were some difficult times. But there were some dark times as well. Very dark.

{via}

A child's upbringing has a huge impact on the person they grow to be; but I do not believe it to be the deciding factor. I believe that as an adult, the damaged child has a unique opportunity. Simply put:

We have a choice.

That realization was both terrifying and thrilling for me. For once I had the upper hand, the ball was in my court. Yet for several years I was emotionally paralyzed. I was so afraid to make the wrong choice; to take the wrong path. {and believe me- I traveled it a time or two.} I was 14 when I fully understood that my life was my responsibility. It was up to me to be successful, happy, & healthy. That was the scary part. But I was so gratified in that knowledge. In my short 14 years I had seen so much chaos, and I was now able to walk away from it. I didn't have to live like that anymore. I could step out of the shadows, figuratively speaking.

That is when my faith got real. I clung to Isaiah 41:13..


For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.

Y'all, that is powerful stuff.  He was there, holding my hand. But most importantly- I wasn't alone. Ever.

Friend, if you are going through a season in your life where there is more darkness than light, it is my prayer for you that you gain a very real understanding of Isaiah 41:13. Because He is holding your right hand and you do not have to fear.

Make Someone's Day.

{via}

I believe that we are all put here to help one another through this thing called life. One way I do that is through food; another is words.

Remember the excitement you felt when you were a child and you received mail? I was so thrilled, that I'd be shaking by the time I got the envelope opened. Why can't the joy of 'happy mail' follow us into adulthood? 

I make it a point to send those that I love cards. Sometimes it's for their birthday, sometimes their anniversary, and sometimes its for no reason at all. Those are my favorite cards to send. The one's that come unexpectedly, and {hopefully} bring a smile to the face of the recipient. So when DaySpring gave me the opportunity to review their fabulous cards, I jumped at the opportunity. Yes, the cards were beautiful and well made with just the right words; but I saw them as so much more. These cards gave me the opportunity to bless someone I love. Lots of them have cards in the post man's bag right now! 

I think it's so sad that our society is getting away from card writing. {Does anyone send thank you notes anymore?} It's such a simple and quick way to reach out and show those that we love how much they matter to us. So go check out the 'thinking of you' section over at DaySpring, grab a card and get writing. And for goodness sake, the next time someone does something nice for you.... write.a.thank.you.note!

Last Saturday.

Last Saturday I faced one of my greatest fears. Last Saturday I thought I might lose my best friend, my husband.

To say it was scary would be an understatement. It's no secret that Chance and I have been through our share of 'rough patches,' and I have spent many hours wondering what my life would be like with out Chance. But there was a finality in my fears that night. It was paralyzing.

We were eating dinner on a rare night out. Having a great time- I was thanking God for those moments. Chance told me he wasn't feeling right. We'd been passing a nasty cold around at our house; so at first I thought that maybe he was starting to feel bad again. Then he bit his tongue, hard and started getting really hot. He was instantly drenched in sweat.. He stood up and then he fell.
Words like heart attack, stroke and seizures were swimming in my head. Just moments before I was thanking God for the night we were having and in a heartbeat my prayers switched to begging the Lord to give us more time.

When the paramedics arrived his blood pressure was 76/42. We were transported by ambulance to a local hospital, where we spent the next 2 nights. After a chest x-ray, many panels of blood work, 2 EKG's, a cat scan, a 2D echo of his throat and heart, a full stroke assessment, and an MRI the final diagnosis was that he had what is known as a vagal response. Which caused his blood vessels to open up {making him feel disoriented} and when he stood up from his seat his body was unable to fight the gravitational pull on his blood. All this to say that his brain was deprived of oxygen and he lost consciousness.
Odds are that this was a one time ordeal and it will never happen again. I pray that this is the case.

That night reminded me that nothing is guaranteed. My next breath could very well be my last. I want to know that I have lived not only the length of my life-- but also the width of it.

21 months.

 

How can it be?

You, my sweet girl, are 21 months old.

We took you to see Santa tonight, you didn't have much to say to him.

I want to journal a sweet moment that happened today in the cake aisle at the grocery.

Mommy: "Olivia, do you want to make a birthday cake for baby Jesus?"

Olivia: "Jesus died."

Mommy: "Yes, baby, he did."

Dee Dee: "Yes, He died on the cross for us."

Olivia: "It's sad."

Mommy: "No sweetie! It's happy because now he's with God!"

Olivia: "With God." {Nodding her head and smiling.}

Moments like that tell me I'm doing something right.

This too shall pass

I've been vacillating about whether or not to write this post for some time;

And I've got to tell you a big part of me still doesn't want to.

Why? Because it makes me feel like a horrible mother.

But if I can reach even one momma who is going through the same season, and tell her she's not alone, then I have to write it.

Olivia has always been a bit "big for her britches."

Meaning, from very early on we could see that she was ahead of the curve when it came to emotional maturity. She is a very smart, and empathetic child. She has a clear understanding of her emotions and the emotions of those around her. For these things I am truly thankful- I can't wait to see the ways in which the Lord plans to use her sweet heart to reach people. I'm so proud of the little girl she is. 

That being said, as with every other phase, we have met the "terrible two's" early. I hate the name tacked onto this time in a child's life- the "terrible two's." No child is terrible, but sometimes their behavior is down right ugly.

That's where we are. Some days I look at her and wonder where my sweet spirited little girl has gone. Some days in the midst of a 2 hour long scream fest- I just want to cry. She is so head strong and sometimes when we're in the throws of a temper tantrum, I ask myself if this is ever going to stop. Because in that moment it feels as if there is no end to her resolve. And then I remind myself that to everything there is a season, and this too shall pass.

If you find yourself going through a similar time with your little one- I want you to know that you are not alone. I know how frustrating it can be when this little being that you love so much just.won't.stop.screaming. I know the heart break you feel when you don't necessarily like that sweet little tyrant. It's completely normal. There are days that I ask myself what I've gotten into, and question whether or not I'm truly equipped to be a good parent. If you are asking yourself that, let me go ahead and answer that question for you. No, you are not. 

No one person is capable of being the parent they dream of being with out the guidance of the Lord. You could be the PTO president and bake cookies every Saturday with your kids, but if you are not constantly seeking Him- you will always fall short of what you could be. I often realize that the days that I am most frustrated and quick-tongued with Olivia, are the days that I have not taken time to just decompress; time to pray and have time with the Lord. Whenever I find myself getting close to that ever-looming brink, I close my eyes and ask for wisdom, grace and guidance. I want Olivia to look back on her childhood and respect the mother I have been. I want her to see God's grace in my parenting. Because at the end of the day- it's not the spankings and the time outs she'll remember. It's how loved she felt, how nurtured she was and how prepared she is for life as an adult in the 'real' world.

on my heart tonight..

Olivia at 28 weeks.

 Life

is the right of

every child.

Not a

special privilage

for

the fortunate,

the planned,

and the perfect.

Sweet like sugar..

This post is filled with random pictures that don't really fit into any other post- but too cute not to share..

There is just something magical about being a little girl. I've always said that I was so grateful to the Lord that He chose me to be Olivia's momma. She is such a special child, with such a sweet soul. I love getting to share in tender moments like the ones in these pictures- dress up days, tea parties and silly faces are certainly the sweet spots that get you through the tough ones. But what I most look forward to as Olivia's momma is watching as she grows "into her own." I know that the Lord has wonderful things planned for her, and I can't wait to see how he uses her sweet, strong nature to bring Him glory!

He's Got This

{via}

Desire

Next week marks the 2nd anniversary of the day I found out I was pregnant.
It may be a silly anniversary to commemorate, but I'm silly.

 

In honor of this weird milestone I thought I would share something that I wrote just before I found out I was pregnant. Looking back on the journal entry now I can't help but be reminded of the goodness of God. I'm so thankful for my little girl. And I'm so thankful that he chose me to be her mommy.

Originally written on Feb. 9, 2009

I have wanted to be a mommy since I knew what being a mommy was. Anyone who knows me can attest to that. When I was in kindergarten and the teacher asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up I quickly responded with "I want to be a mommy." {However, I've always felt that conceiving would be difficult for me.} The sight, smell, and feel of an infant are absolutely intoxicating for me. I love to hold their little feet in my hands, to caress their soft wisps of hair, to feel their soft breathing next to my chest. {Tears well up in my eyes just thinking about it. I'm such a sap.} Sometimes when I don't have anything else to do online, I look at photos of nurseries, and baby bedding, or baby clothing. I've had baby fever since the moment Chance and I walked back up that aisle after saying our "I Do's", maybe a little before that if I'm being completely honest here. It comes in spurts, sometimes the longing subsides, other times my mind dances with thoughts of nurseries, bath times and bed times. Many people say that I'm too young, or that Chance and I haven't been married long enough. Those people are the same people that said I was too young to get married and wagered in their minds whether we'd even make it to 6 months. I've always known I would marry young, and I hoped I would shortly there after become a mommy. 18 months have come and gone with not so much as a glimmer of hope. Let me make it clear, Chance and I are not actively "trying" to conceive. I'm aware that, that would be foolish. I know that God will bless us when we are "ready" in his eyes. That being said, Chance and I have done nothing to prevent pregnancy for over 2 years now. According to my doctor this is when we get serious with fertility treatments, if I want to ever have a baby. I'm not sure that I'm on board with all the medicines, ultra sounds and blood work again just yet. {Chance and I VERY briefly tried to conceive in early 2008, but I was exhausted with work, and the 5 ultrasounds a month and taking 6 medicines was just too much for my body.} The doctors say that I have Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome {PCOS}- not sure that I entirely buy into that. I've begun to feel as though that's the new blanket diagnosis when the doctors don't really have and answer for why a twenty something, perfectly healthy woman can't conceive. Chance is a strong believer in, "It will happen when it's supposed to happen." and "This isn't going to happen on our timeline." I know with all of my heart that both of those things are true. Though it doesn't make the yearning any less. He of course would be thrilled with a new baby, but he doesn't have the strong desire that I do and he doesn't really understand my fear that I won't be able to naturally be a mother. I'm not sure that he could understand completely. He's supportive and is always willing to hold me when I cry. {Which I usually do at least 2 times a week.} I pray for deliverance from the desire to be a mother, but feel no relief. I pray for a blessing of our own. I'm not really sure why I feel compelled to share such personal information, in such an un-private arena. I don't really talk about it to very many people. But lately I've felt like I was going to explode. Chance is getting less patient with me on the subject. And my friends say all the right things but are in different places in their lives and just don't wholly understand. I feel very alone for the first time in my life, and I am surrounded by more people than ever. I work with a wonderful group of women, some who have children others who don't. I have a wonderful husband and family. Yet still I feel completely isolated. I'm beginning to doubt that I'm meant to be a mother, but then again I can't believe that my God would give me such a strong desire if He didn't intend for me to become a mommy. So I suppose that for now I will be praying until I'm blue in the face- or round in the belly.

 {one of Olivia's 3 month portraits}

God is good friends, God is good.

25 years.

I had plans of posting about being a stay at home mom today. Heck, I even started writing and then the phone rang. It was my momma with a "funny tidbit." She went on to say.. "today would have been mine and your father's 25th wedding anniversary."

My first thought was, "wow. 25 years huh? You dodged a bullet there."
My second thought was, "wow. 25 years."

You will not often hear {uh, read} me speak of my biological father. Due to many of his choices I have chosen to not allow him to be a part of my life. I.simply.can't.do.it. But today I feel compelled to purge.
To give you a little background he and my mother were married July 12, 1986. He joined the military 6 months later.  I was born 13 months after they were married on August 18, 1987, he wasn't there. They officially separated in November 1987. The divorce was final in spring of 1988. He and I never lived in the same house while they were married. He never changed a diaper. And there were certainly no night time feedings. I saw him only a handful of times throughout my childhood. I remember sitting in the kitchen floor, crying, asking my mom why "my daddy didn't want to be my daddy." I felt so abandoned by him, so unwanted.

Fast forward a couple of decades -- and here I am. A married, 23 year old mommy to a wonderful little girl. It may sound odd- but I am glad that they divorced. I'm thankful that he was not a bigger part of my life. I was blessed with an amazing grandfather that was all the "daddy" I will ever need. But for some reason I can't get past that "25 years." A quarter of a century, their silver anniversary.

What if they had stayed together. My life would be drastically different. My marriage would be different. I would be different. Heaven only knows who I would be. So I guess what I want to take away from today is that even though my parent's divorce may not have been ideal. It was all part of His plan, a plan that molded me to the woman, wife and mother that I am today.

10 minutes of Jimmy Kimmel made me cry.

I will not often comment on celebrity gossip on this blog. But tonight I watched the first 10 minutes of this video from a recent  Jimmy Kimmel Show; and in short- I'm saddened. {yes, I cried.} Not because I particularly liked Charlie Sheen's character on the show in question. Or that I particularly like Charlie Sheen for that matter. But he is human, and to ridicule him in this season of his life is unfortunate. He is clearly going through something that is going to require a therapy that only He can provide.

{This picture doesn't really have anything to do with the post.. it's just darn cute!}

Anyway- back to the point. {This post is most certainly NOT about Charlie Sheen.} The part of this video that bothered me actually has nothing to do with Mr. Sheen. The scary part {for me anyway} were the words coming out of the children's mouths. I just sat here in shock. My first thought was "Oh, if Olivia talked like that I..." and then my train of thought shifted. The more important question is "WHY do these CHILDREN have those thoughts." I know that today's society is quickly closing the gap on childhood innocence; but as mommies and daddies isn't our job to protect them from this unnecessary evil?? Why do children have to know about things like bazookas and whatever that kid at the end of the bit was talking about. I don't know about you but I just didn't think that way when I was little, and I pray that Olivia doesn't when she is older. Lord, please help me shield her; help us shield all the babies.

I am enough ... The Shine Project

The Shine Project was started by a truly inspirational woman named Ashley. She explains on her blog what the project is all about.

"I have decided, that now is the time to excel in life. Now is the time to be better than I have ever been, and to accomplish things that I never thought I'd be able to do.
As I reach my goals, I want my 'light' and happiness to rub off on others.


This is what The Shine Project is all about:
Going out of your comfort zone to bring light to those who need hope.
The Shine Project emulates love, sacrifice, and CHANGE."

 Motivating, right? Yeah, I thought so too.
This week's challenge is to post about the most influential thing you have learned this month about body image.

I have learned that I am enough. Now, that's two fold. I am enough as a woman (wife, mother, daughter, etc.) AND I am enough physically. I don't know about all of you, but after I had Olivia I began to feel "less than." I have felt as though I was "less than" attractive, I felt as though I was "less than" I should be too my husband, I felt as though I was "less than" a good friend. The first step that changed my way of thinking was reminding myself that although I now had stretch-marks and bags under my eyes and I was so scatter brained I barely remembered to eat everyday- much less call a friend; I had this amazing little girl who needed me. And she deserves the best version of me I can give her. 

Fast forward a few months and goodness knows how many self-help books-- now I KNOW...

  via

Now, does that mean that I have rock star abs and I always look like a super model when my hubby walks through the door? That would be a resounding "No." But that's not the end of the story, far from it actually. I have learned that I AM enough for my husband, I AM enough for my friends. I'm so thankful that I came across this picture on Pinterest a couple of weeks ago. SO THANKFUL! It completely changed my perspective. In short- it moved me. The photo I originally saw was accompanied by this:

"A mark for every breath you took, every blink, every sleepy yawn. One for every time you sucked your thumb, waved hello, closed your eyes and slept in the most perfect darkness. One for every time you had the hiccups. One for every dream you dreamed within me. It isn't very pretty anymore. Some may even think it ugly. That's OK. It was your home. It's where I first grew to love you, where I lay my hand as I dreamed about who you were and who you would be. It held you until my arms could, and for that, I will always find something beautiful in it." 

Yes, that is my stomach. I told you it changed my perspective. So much so that I am willing to post a picture of my stomach for the entire world to see on the internet. Two weeks ago if you told me that I would be sitting here typing this post, I probably would have laughed in your face. But here I am and I'm so glad about it! I feel like a new woman. 

So, to any of you out there who feel like you might be "less than" let me leave you with one thought today. 

Get ready it's a doosy.

You don't have to be perfect to be who He designed you to be. 

The good Lord knew from the beginning of time that you would have those stretch marks, that you wouldn't have lost all those "holiday pounds" just yet. Let me tell you- none of that matters. Be the best you that you can be; and that sweet friends, will always be ENOUGH.